tranquilityseekers: scarf lady (wisdom)
[Original post April 2008]

Wow. I've been feeling like I haven't been working on my spiritual side very much or very well here for many months now, but it turns out the reason I've had so many issues come up so powerfully is BECAUSE my dream-work is really digging out all my deeply rooted problems. This morning (note the time!) I had a break through! Several things came together and clicked for me at last...


I was visiting one of these sort of yuppie neighborhoods I go to quite often in my dreams. It's got the picture perfect landscaping and siding-- everything is well kept and sort of bland. There are lots of winding roads and hills and it's all sort of maze-like and it's easy to get lost there.

I keep having dreams, at least once a week, in which I ride a bicycle through this obviously Ray-dominated neighborhood-- because Rays are all about following rules from outside the self, and apparently my Rays are yuppie, racist, classist, SNOBS with no imagination and little compassion. They're white bread, anal-retentive, authoritative, so-and-sos! I mean, I have some crazy Rays based upon my mother and father, but the majority of Rays I have are the "THEY" of society who have been telling me my whole life what is right and how one should be and act. My programs come from an upper-middle-class skewed version of American society. By exploring this neighborhood of Rays, over and over again, visiting the houses and their inhabitants, I've learned a lot about all the messages that have become "automatic responses" from these Rays. (A perfect example of this sort of Ray-type character on TV is Bree from Desperate Housewives.)

Now, there's been a lot of "to-do" about "those nasty Shadow aspects" in psychic and spiritual self-help books. The better ones tell you that you need to accept, understand, and even embrace certain Shadows. Apparently, from my dream work, this is not my biggest problem, as I started working with my Shadow aspects since my late teens at least. No, it's the Rays (automatic programs from parents, authority figures, and society-at-large) that are really screwing me up. ANYWAY--!

I was doing one of my routine "ride thru-- walk thru" visits in a portion of the neighborhood that I'd never visited before when anyone was home. (I distinctly remember poking around when everyone was out more than once, though!) I had followed some teenagers into the house who were visiting their friends who lived there. I was happy to meet these people, because the son was a writer, and the daughter liked to draw. The teen boy-- about 17-- dressed kinda like a droopy, grunge-goth, whereas the teen girl-- about 14-- had dyed pink hair with a black streak. I liked 'em! It was weird, because I didn't expect creative kids to be living in such a neighborhood.

Suddenly, there was a huge commotion, because the parents came home, and they didn't like the two teenagers who lived there to have visitors (or friends at all.) The friends all started sneaking out of windows and back doors. I lingered, not quite sure how to get past the insanely uptight parents of these kids. Then I heard the father and mother confront the son, "Tim" or something, and it was really, really bad. They were yelling and cussing at him in a really scary way that sounded like the precursors to violence. The daugher, "Tina" or something, gave me one of those looks-- the look of shame and resignation abuse victims give (it's unmistakable)-- and she urged me to leave with the others, "Save yourself! You can't help us here..." and she escorted me to the front door to sneak out. And I WAS scared, so I went out and started to run down the driveway, trying to think of a way to memorize the house # and send help once I got away.


At the bottom of the driveway (the house was on a slight incline from the street) I stopped because I heard the boy being confronted. The "father" had found not only that other teens were visiting, but that Tim was writing again! I heard the words, "Don't you know how useless this is!? It's a fucking waste of time!" and then I heard sounds of the boy being beaten, maybe even tortured! He yelled, moaned, screamed as I stood there, frozen in horror, unable to move forward or back-- guilt and fear warring with one another. And I looked back up at the house, and then I remembered something....

-- I became LUCID and realized I was dreaming!

I realized I had been to that particular house again and again in prior dreams. But never when anyone was home. WHY!? Something about what was happening there needed MY attention! Also-- since this was a dream, it was MY domain-- and certain aspects of me were hurting other aspects of me, aspects I'd just met and LIKED! I gathered my resolve and ran back into the house!

I found the mother leaning over the pink-haired Tina in the kitchen-- not yelling, just clenching her teeth and telling the girl off in this hateful way while forcing Tina to sit there by grasping the girl's arm hard enough to bruise it. Realizing this was a Ray bullying a Shadow, I got all pissed off and resolute. "HEY, BITCH! STOP THAT! LET HER GO! NOW!" and Tina looked at me in absolute shock. The mother looked at me, surprised but ready to come after me as well, but I grabbed her and seated her in a kitchen nook chair. "Listen up and listen good. I am the WAKING MIND. I'm the one in fucking charge here, and I don't like what you're doing. You're supposed to work for ME!? Get it?! ME! I'm your fucking boss-- and I revoke permission for you to treat other parts of me like this!" and I gestured to Tina. Then I explained to Tina very quickly what was going on, and I used my powers to "stick" the mother (not MY mother, just an adult woman who played the authority role in that particular household) to the chair I sat her in.

Then I ran for the bedroom upstairs where Tim was getting thrashed!
(And I actually had to cry after I awoke to what I saw there.)

Tim was curled up, hiding under a desk-- while this big asshole kept telling him over and over how he'd never make it, how terrible a writer he was-- no one would ever want to read his work, on and on-- and there was blood all over the room, and Tim himself had bruises and cuts and his clothes were bloody. He was whimpering, and he was protesting, "I was just playing around. I won't let anyone read my stuff-- I swear! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" 

Knowing intellectually that parts of myself are harmful to me (other parts of myself) is one thing. Confronting an entire subconscious drama worthy of Cops is something else altogether. But to witness how awful those terrible critical voices can be to the younger, freer, more creative and precious parts of myself helps me to realize just how much I don't deserve to hear it. There's enough hostility towards me "out there"-- I don't need enemies living inside of me, too!

I just yelled, "STOP!" and used my powers (hey, in lucid dreams I can do freaking ANYTHING, even fly!) to pick up the father-type authority guy and bring him downstairs to stick him to another kitchen nook chair. Tina went in and found her "brother" and brought him downstairs to the kitchen behind me. He was injured and leaning on his "sister" and sort of shaking in relief. Meanwhile, I gagged both Ray adults while I was at it. I knew I couldn't kill or destroy them-- but what could I do with them, really? I didn't know. For now, I just wanted to find a better "home" for my creative teen Shadow aspects.

I led them outside and brought a flying car (my lucid dream, my vehicle, my way!) and we quickly went to a newer Realm I've been creating on purpose in my dreams: Elven Haven. It's a mixture of Rivendell and Lothlorien as portrayed in the LOTR movies.


I figured the Elves would be better nurturing authority figures to these damaged aspects of myself, so that was to be their new home of hope. The Elves took them in, of course, and then I just teleported back to that kitchen. I knew I'd be waking up at any time, so I had to hurry.... my lucidity had started to fade out a couple of times already!

I stared at the woman and man held to the chairs, who glared back at me like they had every right in the world to do what they did and how dare I stop them? They didn't get it. And I was flummoxed... so I called my White Chakra Guide to please come advise me. (And she always manifests as the actress Mimi Rogers/Lena Olin...) She appeared and already knew the problem. I asked her what I should do, and she said, " Well, don't you remember those 4 glass balls of light I gave you?"  OH-- yeah....! She had given me 4 pendants: 1 large glass ball of light, and 3 smaller ones-- "for the dark times" when I "didn't know what else to do."  Mimi told me to put each one of 2 of the smaller pendants around the necks of these Bully Ray aspects! So I did. And the dim light from the glass balls started to build and build and then to penetrate the Rays-- giving them spirtual insight and compassion. I understood that the pendants were meant for THEM all along-- the necklaces heal spiritually sick parts of me lost in the dark! This was all pre-arranged by my Higher Self, again as portrayed by this Mimi Rogers/Lena Olin look-alike!

I could tell I'd be waking up soon-- as I heard Gerick shift in bed-- and I wanted to understand a little more. I asked Mimi to explain, and she said that this "Realm" of the neighborhood I'd been exploring in dreams over and over again for many months now was THE Realm I'd been sent to take on when she'd led me there in the first place. And I'd just figured a huge part of it out!


Then I asked her how these creative aspects (Shadows since they're supressed) ended up living HERE? --In this yuppie neighborhood mental construct Realm? Mimi White (the color of the chakra I'll use for a last name with all the Guides, I believe, to help keep them straight) reminded me of the powerful dream I had where my Father Ray turned out to be "killing" my Child Selves.

She told me that of course you can't really kill any part of yourself off, only suppress it. So what ended up happening is that my real father's words and behaviors to me did enough damage to parts of me that they ended up being too weak to fight off the powerful suppressing Rays that came later-- messages trying to keep me "down" by envious people like my cousin Lisa or various peers I've had-- and so these child aspects ended up living under the power of particular Rays, who took it upon themselves as a job to prevent these parts of me from accomplishing anything, because that would be too "uppity."  Being uppity was what my Rays taught me NOT to do when I was a child in a stark survival situation with a violent father. For survival's sake, I had to quell things like pride, artisitic talent, and free expression-- because such things might have got me killed for real by such a crazy alcoholic father. However, he's dead now and I'm an adult of 38 years and I don't need to quell myself anymore! But the Rays are survival programs, they don't adapt to new realities very easily-- so they continue the programs even when I don't need them anymore-- even to the point where they hurt me far more than they help me. That was what the psychological chakra Dream Quest was mostly about (the rest was health issues.)

OH....

Humorously, though still astonished, I looked at her and asked, "WHY MIMI ROGERS?" And she smiled and said that the nurturing figure image was a part of it, so was the name: "Mimi" or ME- ME! And I started laughing, and woke myself up.

I'm really excited that I've finally figured this part out and 'rescued' some creative aspects and put them in a place where they can hopefully feel safe to come out and be who they were meant to be-- creative and free to explore the realms of the imagination-- without feeling ashamed or put down or vulnerable or frightened. And I further wonder what part of me is SO DARK that it needs just one BIG glass ball necklace to heal it? Hmmmm.... I get the feeling I'll find out here soon, now that I know how the ball pendants work! Thanks, "Me-me"!

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