tranquilityseekers: touch goddess (invocation)
[From Nov. 2009]

For those of you who are newer to my blog, this is about a deep subconscious journey to fix my problems that seem beyond my conscious will. I'm using lucid dreaming (where you're awake and able to choose your action in a dream) as a means to interact with my subconscious mind directly. I've learned most of the symbolic system of my dreams and used that knowledge to change up the game-- to stop the automatic behaviors that end up being repeating mistakes.

Rays are the programs from the authority figures in our life growing up-- they are the messages that eventually become automatic to us-- but the unfairly biased ones create Shadows, or parts of ourselves we reject per Jung's definition. I've simply taken the concept a bit further to address the Rays that cast the Shadows (out) in the first place. Many of my Rays are hurting me, and the only way I know to effect them-- to "reprogram" them to work FOR me rather than against me is through dreams... the only place where we can meet on somewhat equal footing.

Its been some time since I've written of my Dream Quest. Yet, it has not been forgotten. I'm alert to any special dreams and I continue to pay attention. Evidently, progress is being made.

When last we left our Dream Quest, the Rays were trying to get me to slow down, back off, anything but continue this self-work I'm doing to work on these inner demons of mine.

When the Dream Quest began, my White Guide sent me off into the deep, dark realms of my own mind to confront the damaging Rays which were holding me back. She sent with me special orbs on necklaces to put around the necks of the Rays who were working against me rather than for me.

All along, I have wondered who the extra big orb was for-- no one Ray seemed as badly put-together as all that! And would it be a Ray of my father? NO. I found my father-representative in my mind, and he was mainly just a concept of "monster" that none of my Shadows was really taking seriously anymore, its almost like they were just pretending to be scared of him to be polite or something:

So WHO was my inner "Big Bad" -- my ultimate game "Boss?"

In this morning's dream I FOUND OUT! THIS dream was so good-- I'm barely awake but I'm almost shaking in excitement.

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It started with the image of me riding around in the head of this HUGE robot that was wandering the landscape. Next, I was seeing out of the eyes of the robot through a viewscreen at a remote station far away. A bunch of men were standing around, trying to work the controls (they called themselves 'The Controllers.)' But they were upset because the giant robot was heading their way- searching for them! They were afraid it would find them and mash them to bits!

Obviously, the giant robot is my big body, doing its thing in the world-- me in my waking, conscious life. The Controllers were pulling levers and pushing buttons and making the Robot do what they wanted at certain times-- my subconscious automatic reactions to things! Given my Dream Quest, its obvious why they're freaking out at the idea of the Giant Robot becoming aware of them and getting pissed at what it (I) discover!

The man in charge of The Controllers-- the TOP Controller if you will!-- fled the Control Station and was attempting to find The Spy who was "on the ground" and capture him or her along with a few of his friends. Everyone 'on the ground' [or, as we would would say, 'in the Dream-Realm'] was in absolute AWE of this guy. He even had an official title: The Pull Man. I learned this from overhearing news reports and radio dispatches while watching the Giant Robot on the viewscreen.

I saw the Giant Robot (boy, it really was big, too!) crossing a huge bridge into The Pull Man's territory-- what looked like a quaint and expanded English Village. There was panic from some 'down below' with people screaming and fleeing their cars and such. While, interestingly, others 'down below' seemed absolutely calm and went about their business without concern. They just moved politely out of the Giant Robot's way. SOME were actually cheering the Giant Robot's progress! [Awww! Thanks, Guys!]

In the next scene, I joined with those 'on the ground down below' and became The Spy following The Pull Man and disguised as one of his small group of top assistants. I opened the door of the car The Pullman arrived in and then followed his group. I listened to them discuss where to find this Spy-- and took in as many details of The Pullman as I could. He was top dog in this world, that much was certain! He was like a little, proper, Englishman, with a bowler hat, dark suit, and briefcase. Of interest was his symbolic color-- a very dark green, almost black, with a shimmering green over it. He was about my height, and of slight build. But his power was not in might, but rather with his cleverness and scheming ways.

He was not a good guy, I could tell. But he kept his power over the Dream Realm (subconscious) by masquerading as its only protection. He prevented the Giant Robot from destroying the village, you see-- so everyone gave him all this power. He had knowledge and fantastic gadgets to use against the Robot. In fact, he often turned the robot against HIS enemies, using it as he chose for his own selfish reasons. I disliked him intensely, but I was surprised that the most powerful guy in the village could be so... uninspiring and almost comical, really. And what was with that name... the "Pull Man"?? WTF?! What in the hell did he PULL?

The Pull Man stopped at a phone booth (the old English kind) when it rang and he answered it. [Like the phone booths here were his version of cell phones or something..?] He listened for a few minutes and then put down his briefcase. He looked around at everyone suspiciously, announcing that The Spy was among them right now-- FIND HIM! I thought that was it for me, as I had not yet turned lucid in the dream, and was deep into the plot line and imagery of the Dream still. Yet to my surprise, one of the other guys-- who I recognized as my friend for some reason, began to run away! I realized this was the perfect distraction for me to make a break for it!

The Pull Man directed his second to pull this weird, horn-like device out of The Pull Man's briefcase and point it at my friend. This huge horn with an engine on the back of it came out of the small attache -- and the dream became much more dream-like. [It started to twitch my awareness a bit-- was I in a movie? How did this reality work again?] The horn part-- like a trombone or something-- was pointed at my fleeing ally and activated. Suddenly, a great sucking wind whipped up and my friend was literally sucked into the device! OH! So THAT was why they called this guy The Pull Man... because he pulled things right out of existence! He was sort of like God in that way here.

But I didn't watch most of the process, I was too busy trying to get away myself! I had crossed a great open yard running for a group of huge oak trees and a stone manor-- they seemed the best cover against a magical vacuum do-hicky. Yet the device was next turned upon me, and I could tell very quickly that there was no way I'd make it! The wind whipped up and I began to slide on the grass backwards.

Then something strange happened (like, the rest of this is perfectly average--?) and one of the oak trees suddenly had all these multicolored streamers tied around it. Long ones, all the colors of the rainbow! They were sucked towards the Pull Man, same as myself, right to me so I could grab them. [Some part of me recognized what these things meant-- but at the moment I was too busy pulling myself away from the sucking thing using them to stop and ponder it all. More below.]

I made it to the line of oak trees, away from the worst of the sucking power, and was able to let go of the streamers and awkwardly run-- but it was still a struggle to cross from tree to tree trying to get to the stone manor. My goal was to go around the corner where the wind would lose it's grip. Meanwhile, the Pull Man had grabbed a bull horn and was speaking to me: "Turn back at once! You must do as I say. If you do not, everything you hold dear-- everything that you love and care about-- will be destroyed." [His voice was very distinct, sort of flat and resonant at the same time, like a radio announcer from the 40s with an East Coast accent-- like he was from Harvard or something. Like John F. Kennedy, for example.]

I made it to the corner of the building and ran for all I was worth, wondering frantically what to do. I'd soon run out of hiding places!

Meanwhile, behind me, the device was turned off, and the lackey that was using it had picked it up and run after me! Once he had me in his sights again, I'd be back in the same boat! For some reason, I thought of the streamers and they tweaked my mind and made me think of doing something other than running. I saw a big stone fallen from the manor and grabbed it and ran back to the corner of the building. When the Lackey showed up [I noted he wore black and white vertical stripes in a suit and a bowler hat as well-- hmmm!] I conked him on the head and knocked him out, and then grabbed the device!

Triumphant, I held it in my hands for a moment. Just then, the comlink walkie-talkie thing the Lackey had attached to his suit made a noise. I heard The Pull Man through it, "Do you have her. Is the Spy secured?" [Oh! NOW I'm a "her!"] I bent down and grabbed the weird little comlink and held it in my other hand-- and suddenly BOOM--! I WENT LUCID!

Oh my! It all started to come together then, and I pressed the button on the comlink and said to The Pull Man. "Oh, the Spy is secured alright. You mother fucker, I AM the Giant Robot!" and woke up!!
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Sadly, I awoke before being able to put the Orb healing necklace around the neck of The Pull Man to bring him round. However, now I know who the Big Bad is! Essentially, its the ultimate program-- the notion that there is some power out there, some God, some Authority, that can take everything away from me, just like the little man said. The superstitious belief that one wrong move provokes punishment of some sort. The grip of fear I often feel myself caught up in is manipulated by this little Ray. It seems quite obvious now that I've met him- yet until this dream I never would have guessed. The Pull Man is my wee inner [English] God.

Final note: The multi-colored streamers, hats, and vertical-striped suit gave me a clue that the supposed Lackey was in fact my secret helper, The Faery Jester!

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