tranquilityseekers: spirit touch (mercy)
[Originally posted June 2008]

I just woke up (note time) from a really powerful healing dream. As per my quest, it ended up being relevatory to the nth degree. I used another orb (the last small one) necklace, if that tells you anything. And I woke up crying pretty hard, but I feel better now having addressed the issues the dream brought up.

The dream started off meandering from one thing to the next. First, I was participating in this acting and film school type creative endeavor, and when we were ready to "wrap" for the day, a bunch of us took off for our "base"-- on the way there I was walking up and down hills and through some woods and dales, and then through a rather elaborate graveyard. I was actively talking to all these creative aspects and having a good time, when I spotted this girl, late teens perhaps, with long black hair, pasty white skin, and looking a bit disheveled and wan. Something about her struck me and I thought she was kind of modestly pretty, but in a very interesting way, and wanted to meet her. She was first walking through the graveyard, and then later I saw her sitting disconsolately on a stone bench, sighing sadly. When I got close, she got up and turned away and left. I called after her, but one of the other aspects told me she was deaf... Frustrated, I continued on into--

-- a high school. It was closed for the summer, but was being used as a "learning annex" type of thing for teens and adults and my next "class" was a baking class. I made an amazing sort of chocolate cake, and later, when I went back to get a piece to "take home" with me, a bunch of older male creative aspects were sitting around in their own baking class, eating cake (including mine) and gossiping. I heard them exclaiming over my latest creation, and I was pleased-- but I still wanted some of it to take home. Only a little was left, so I took a "square" of it (a large piece the size of 4 regular slices of cake) and wrapped it up and put it in my backpack.

When I left that class, I started walking thru the halls, and all the annex classes had ended, so the lights were out. I tried to make my way to the main exit, and got waylaid by a security guard, who seemed to first try to tell me I wasn't allowed there, but then who seemed intent on confusing me so I never got out. I actually got a little upset and told him to "Stop stressing me out!" and I got past him and into the main commons/ locker room area. It was at THAT point that I realized I was in a dream and went lucid. I sort of sighed because I hate the "stuck in high school" repeating dreams (common to much of the American population.) The routine is to find my locker-- if I can-- and then try to remember the locker combo-- which I often can't-- and regardless find a way to get out of the building and headed towards "home" somehow. What a pain! I sort of asked myself why I was "here" in the dream again? to see if I could knock myself further along the story arc or whatever.

And... I saw that girl again! The dark-haired wan one. I told her of my dilemma of trying to get out of the building. I realized I already had my backpack (with the cake) so I didn't even need to deal with my locker. She smiled, and I realized she reminded me of someone I had seen before, so I asked for her name, and she said her name was Frances. I told her I'd heard she was deaf-- and she showed me her hearing aids, and said sometimes it was easier not to hear, "if you know what I mean." Hmmm... She went on to inform me she'd been dealing with the school for years, and it had a tendancy to try to trap you-- but she reminded me of that side front door I'd used before in other dreams to get out, and we went to it and got outside successfully. I decided to plunge ahead and told her about my dreams project-- and asked her if she knew what she was-- as an Aspect, I meant. A Shadow? She guessed so-- she seemed too uncertain to be any kind of Ray or Guide.

I described to her some of my latest dream work, but she had already heard about it and said she thought it was "great." Though she said this, and I knew she was sincere, she didn't seem capable of enthusiasm. She seemed like she had been depressed a long time and had developed a pathetic sort of nervous humor to deal with things. I felt sorry for her and asked if she wanted some of the cake I had made. She perked up a little then and I gave us both a piece and told her to keep the extra for later, which seemed to please her. And we sat there, eating cake and drinking tiny cartons of milk for a while, trying together to figure out why I needed to talk to her.

I started analyzing the dream inside the dream, and put the pieces together. How she was associated with the creative aspects of me (she was related to the film-making class and the baking class) yet I found her sighing sadly in a graveyard!! And the being sometimes deaf to outside influences thing...what was that all about? I made the intuitive leap and suddenly I knew she was the Shadow of not a rejected part of me, but rather a neglected part of me-- underdeveloped and in need of more support to do her job (which was originally as a sort of healthy Ray, I believe, that got seriously waylaid.)  I realized Frances represented my ability to be motivated to complete creative projects. She was my Anticipation of Reward-- and she wasn't doing well precisely because she had pretty much given up on being rewarded. She expected for the world to either punish her for not doing well enough or to not care when she triumphed. She was nearly at the stage of apathy-- and if she reached that point, she would die. Hense the graveyard.

Realizing this just made me cry-- hard. I felt rushes of shivers go through my body when I hit upon what and who Frances was in my dream world and subconscious mind. I knew I had it right. And I allowed myself to just sob for Frances (that is, me) who had so many unfair situations and people to deal with during the course of her life. I allowed myself to mourn for what was lost-- the ability to believe anything was worth doing because there would be a positive outcome or reward of some kind in the end. I don't mean just material rewards, or power, or anything like that-- I just mean believing anything I do will MATTER at all on any level. That I'll feel satisfied and good about what I've done... Frances showed me I no longer reached for many things-- had, in fact, lost much of my previous ambition-- precisely because I (she) had been kicked down so many times it was just getting harder and harder to keep trying. She (I) never got rewarded much as a child and teen, when these patterns are laid-- hense her youth, like any undeveloped Aspect. Our parents didn't praise us for doing well in school, for example, only criticized us and pounded on us for faltering. There was never any "I knew you could do it!" or "Good job!" -- except from some teachers and kind friends here and there, now and then...

I told her that she didn't need other people to reward her, because I would. And I told her I was very sorry for how things had been for her-- us-- because she/we didn't deserve that. And at last her diffident, nervously casual fascade broke and she began crying with me. I hugged her and reminded her of the kinds of rewards that I could promise her would come from me, like the satisfaction of finishing a creative writing project (for once.)  "We don't have to keep looking for other people and the world outside to tell us it's worth it to do things anymore. We can make it worth it for ourselves in our own way." And I opened a doorway to my created nurturing Elven Realm so Frances could get out of the high school/learning annex place by the graveyard. Some Elves came out, and I noted they were dressed for battle like they were expecting trouble (so I'm guessing they've had some attacks from nasty Rays, maybe?) 

My crying went on so long that I feared waking up too soon, and I realized this wound was DEEP. So I pulled out the last small orb necklace and gave it to Frances. She put it on, and her clothes-- formerly all black-- transformed into this lovely white lace dress! She smiled for real and thanked me. And I felt my heart chakra in my chest warm and loosen very obviously. An elf stepped up behind her and ran his hands lovingly through and down her long, black hair, and it bleached out to white, and then sort of glowed into a rich red color. I was amazed at this demonstration of my own mind's mental healing abilities. I hugged Frances, hard, and then she turned to go through the magical gateway to the Elven Realm. Several of my creative aspects had popped through to call out and welcome her-- and I was strongly moved again to tears.

As she and the Elves went through the gateway and disappeared, Mimi White suddenly popped up on my left side as I waved good-bye, getting ready to wake up. She was pleased and praised me for my successful dream this night. Then she pointed out a few more things, like how Frances was a part of me that got rewarded at college and really made some strides for a time. However, between the trials and tribulations of the Circle and my later problems with family and former friends, something inside just broke down. Apparently, it was watching a Super Nanny episode with teen girls being treated like trash by their parents that helped bring Frances' dilemma to light for me. In tonight's show, the eldest girl had her spirit broken by her selfish, demanding parents. Just like my spirit (and Frances') was broken.

When I woke up from that dream, my pillow was soaked with tears and my face was still wet. I got up and had me a good 10 minute hard but silent cry over everything I had learned and done tonight, and felt my heart area lighten up a little as I let all that pain go.

Damn. That was a big one. I can't believe how that whole thing went down!

Now-- back to bed to sleep the sleep of the righteous. =^)

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