[From August 2008]
Just woke up from a very disturbing dream, worse in some ways because I never became lucid in the dream, and so had no chance to answer the next challenge presented...
I was visiting a house where 2 aspects (who were brother & sister) lived that I used to play with. They were now adults. One looked like Steve Austin (the actor Lee Majors) the Six-Million-Dollar Man, only he was in a wheelchair. The other was an aspect named Oneida who looked a little like my cousin Lisa and a little like my mother. They talked about all the good times we had together as kids, but I couldn't recall what they were talking about-- only that I knew I had spent time with them before. Then they talked me into going up into the attic to check out some special things.
Though we were all adults now, I still knew how to get up there and they followed me. They kept talking about how I'd want to get certain special things for my husband to sell on Ebay as we pushed "Steve" around on his wheelchair. We came to one really cool area, but the doorway through crossed a small set of tracks, and they were scared to go there because they heard "the 3rd rail" was electrified and would hurt them. At that point, I was realizing how much I didn't really like these particular people after all, and so lied and told them it was true, we couldn't possible squeeze through the door and not touch that dreaded 3rd rail -- but I remembered crossing it before. I just didn't want those people going into all my secret places.
Then "Steve" told me they had already found one door to a room that was filled with all sorts of toys and momentos from their "big brother's past" that were going to be sold. They said go ahead and get what I wanted from it, since it didn't matter to them. I was relieved that they were giving up on that other secret attic area, but disturbed to realize that the "Big Brother's Room" was another place that should have been inaccessible. I went in and it was filled with all sorts of things that were popular as entertainment or sports from the 80s and 90s. I acted as if I didn't like any of it (and I really didn't care for most of it) but then I spied some rare consol horror adventure games, called The 13 Stories
and I grabbed all of them (there were 3 parts), hugged them to my chest, and quickly darted to the attic's exit door. Steve suddenly stood up out of his wheelchair and began to walk towards me, and I realized I'd been had-- bigtime. The whole scenario was a set up to grant them access to my secret attic. These weren't my friends at all. They were dangerous enemies! Steve asked me what the name of the video games I grabbed were, and I lied and said it was just something I knew my husband would like-- to sell, not for any other reason. I kept them close to me so he couldn't possibly tell what they were. I made an excuse and I fled the house.
Then things jumped ahead to later on in the day...
I had successfully stashed the games, I knew, but now Oneida was hanging out with me outside. She was pushing her brother's wheelchair (which I knew was bogus thing, as he could walk fine.) I managed to get Steve off on his own going in the wrong direction to find an aspect (a friend) who supposedly I'd sold the games to... anything to misdirect the guy and get him away from me!
So I found myself with Oneida, alone, and she was intent on giving me advice on things I needed to do with my mentally handicapped sister to keep her "in line." I thought she was talking about Erica, of course, and at first I pretended to go along with her because I was just trying to placate her long enough to find an excuse to get away. However! She told me things I needed to do to my "retard" sibling that were so mean that I told her she was nuts outright to think of such a thing. Her point was that I should do what I needed to do to remind her of what she owed me so that she'd be obligated to do what I wanted.
Then she said my retard sister was at her house-- at the end of the culdesac!
I raced to the house, fearful of what this psycho would do to my sister, and she loped along beside me, excited, like it was all a part of the plan she had in mind to "teach my sister a lesson she'd never forget." I was utterly appalled and pushed my way into the smallish house to search for my sibling, who I was now intent on rescuing. Meanwhile, she had begun acting like a mothering figure and making herself busy in the kitchen, making dinner or something. And I heard cries of pain!
I ran to the bathroom where the sounds were coming from, and a young woman was wet and bald and funny looking, like her skin had slightly melted! Oneida explained that she had taught this girl a lesson by tricking her into drinking ACID! And Oneida was laughing about it. The girl, meanwhile, was trying to sooth her burning skin with water from the sink, wailing in utter desolation! I was completely shocked and realized I needed to call the police AND an ambulance! I was trying to remember what to do in cases of poisoning with caustic substances-- you don't want the victim to regurgitate.... But I also realized this wasn't my sister Erica, it was someone else.
Oneida was completely pleased with herself, you could tell. She was humming as she briskly went about her business, completely ignoring the freaking out young woman who was obviously being severely tortured! I looked for a phone to call for help, but as I turned, I saw the girl come out of the bathroom and into the kitchen, gagging as water came out of her mouth, unable to be swallowed! At the same time I witnessed this horrific scene, I realized that she looked VERY familiar! I knew her-- and seeing her face, all warped and pasty and just horrifying, I was determined to grab her and and get out of the house and to a neighbor's to call for help.
I was so upset that I woke myself up. And it was only then that I remembered who the girl was: Frances
, from this dream, an aspect I'd already rescued once before. As the realization hit me, lying there in bed, a wave of cold when through my body physically. I felt sick to my stomach at the thought that Frances was reaquired by the Bad Rays.Interp is easy-- my Rays are fighting back and they're getting better at being sneaky. The attic scene was to get into places grown-up aspects can't normally go (except for me) in order to find out what was precious to me-- so they could hurt me for it or take it away (from me or my other aspects, I mean.) Steve pretended to be crippled so I'd help him, and Oneida pretended to be my long-time friend. I suspect the Big Brother they were referring to would be my Father aspect (the serial killer of my Child Aspects.) The belongings in the attic room were like what you'd expect to find in a spoiled teenagers room, including training equipment for building muscles-- and my father was always more like an bullying big brother to me than he was a father. He was the spoiled child of my mother's house for sure in real life, so it makes sense he'd be translated that way in my dreams. Also, I had this recent dream that pointed to a "Big Bad" who was also equally elusive and dangerous. The name of the games I took and didn't tell him about were in reference to the short story series I'm writing, all sort of Lovecraftian Horror style creations of mine.
Oneida, later in the dream, apparently forgot herself and gave away what she was doing to another aspect of mine she described as my retard sister-- my Shadow Aspect Frances, who represents Motivation and Anticipation of Reward, described in the last dream as my sister as well. She seemed to be trying to train me to do what she was doing, and this Ray was literally torturing Frances, directly attacking my Motivation and Reward functions! Beyond anything she'd ever done to her before, you could tell-- Frances herself was unprepared for what had happened and beside herself with what to do... Her beautiful long black hair (changed to white and then red in the last dream with her in it) was gone, and her pretty clothes, and even her face was all wrong. This part I can see as being related to my own reactions at seeing myself in photos-- shocked and appalled. I know rationally I don't look that bad, but I reacted automatically with severe shame at seeing myself. I posted some photos anyway, in defiance of that shame, because I know I'm over-reacting. Frances, however, was NOT over-reacting. She was literally reeling in bewildered, horrific, pain. But her lips and voice were the same. She is communicating still-- she isn't wholly beaten then...
I woke up before being able to help her, but at least I recognized her and was able to realize something: The fucked up control aspects of my psyche are upping the ante in order to counter attack and destroy all the progress I've been making-- and they're trying to punish me for making the effort in the first place. Who knew there were parts of me that hated other parts SO MUCH
?! It's completely unnecessary... all this self-torture. I feel so frustrated because my efforts to heal the damage of my past are being thwarted at every turn, by both life in general and by my own inner Evil Rays or Negative Programs. And shame was/is the method of control!
...Also? I break out in nervous hives all over my face, neck, chest, and upper arms when I'm severely stressed out/anxious/scared. The pattern of the burned skin looked very much the way I do when I feel deeply embarrassed or ashamed to the point of a panic attack! I think its interesting that Frances when attacked shows this emotional trauma on her person. So weird but interesting!