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This is from comments I made in response to things said to me in my personal blog. The controversy revolves around the idea that perhaps I am too harsh in my approach. This critic told me I needed to forgive an abusive mother-in-law and love her more. I disagreed and here is what I said to explain myself:
I hear what you're saying, and I've fully considered most of what you're suggesting for years. For what its worth, I offered Mona love. I tried making room for her, speaking to her, accepting her, I was affectionate towards her. Like I said, I GENUINELY LIKED HER even with her faults and prejudices for months until her treating me like shit just made it impossible.
I totally understand where you're coming from. I do.
However, I think loving people who are hateful is a waste of time and energy that could be better spent on those who are good (or mostly good) people who deserve my time, attention and heart. Love towards hateful people does not solve all problems. In fact, it often helps perpetuate problems.
I grew up with a mother who preached LOVE to me for my alcoholic, abusive father. She's a Buddhist. I've heard this before for many decades ad nauseum.
My challenge is NOT to love those who hate me, my challenge is to love myself and other people despite being hurt for daring to love the wrong people in the first place. I agree I need to "let go" (which I call "dismissal" as opposed to "forgiveness") but loving from a distance or pretending to feel warm towards someone I detest (and it would be pretending because I totally detested Mona) is inauthentic and damaging to my heart.
My journey tells me to learn to accept anger and hurt, and then learn to move on with life. My journey tells me I don't have to embrace those who hurt me with malice aforethought. My journey has taught me to express the TRUTH of sometimes very ugly feelings, even if I know I'll get judged and lectured for admitting to going through often awkward periods processing these emotions.
I do not think loving the hateful is the right thing to do. It invites them to hurt me again (and when I have forgiven prematurely this has ALWAYS proved to be the case) and it encourages them to continue behaving badly because they don't face consequences for it.
I am allowed, as every person is, to place a limit on how people treat me and say, "NO MORE!" I am allowed to fill my garden with flowers and herbs and fruits rather than weeds and brambles.
I do love often. I do love hard. There is nothing wrong with how I love-- except sometimes I don't love myself enough to protect myself. This is why its so important for me to process these feelings I've had towards those who have maliciously attacked me, who have purposely tried to ruin my life and that of my husband. I'm allowed to be angry. I'm allowed to turn away. I'm allowed to NOT love.
Love which is OBLIGATED is not love at all, but merely the pretense of it-- and for what? To impress whom? This is why I am not Xtian because there is this martyr mentality when it comes to making mean people with power answer for their bad behavior. The pressure is on the underdog to forgive, rather on the one taking advantage of their power to behave. That's not a philosophy I can ever get behind. Yet-- oddly, I have found I am IN ACTION more charitable and tolerant of others than almost any Xtain I've ever met. Go figure.
There are many ways to be at peace. One way is to give up. Another is to give in. And still another is to take that conflict and see it through to the other side and release it. I have chosen the third option in my life. It means I don't lie about my true feelings, even if I don't look so good to others in admitting them. It means I deal with my own very real issues underlying some often strong emotions. It means that when I find peace "on the other side" of conflicts it is therefore REAL and LASTING. It has meaning and value above and beyond simply not being in conflict for the moment. The peace I seek does not come easily and it may be messy to get there, but it ends with strength, true love, and self-respect.
If it seems I take umbrage at your very thoughtful, heart-felt comments, it is because I feel you aren't understanding where I'm coming from in this. You may simply think I'm wrong, and if so-- I adamently disagree with you. For some reason, people have it in their heads that we should love the hateful, but sometimes the most loving thing we can do for EVERYONE, including ourselves, is to abandon the hateful to their fate. Its one thing to make honest mistakes, its another to purposely TRY to hurt another repeatedly. Why is that mean person worth MORE than ME, because that is what you're asking me to do here-- put a horrible person's well-being ABOVE my own.
My journey has taught me that this is not the answer. It's not.
It's NOT.
As for the rest-- she's gone, I'm relieved, I'm moving on. I had a momentary emotional reaction which is already passing. Life continues. I'll be fine. I just took a moment aside to re-examine my feelings and attitudes to see what was still pertinent and what wasn't, and I'm entirely satisfied with what I've found.
But I will not accept that I'm not a loving enough individual for daring to express these highlly improper emotions. I'm allowed to feel any way I want to feel. Its what I DO, not what I FEEL that matters. I worked out my issues with my husband and I'm okay now. I know myself well enough to know I should not go to that funeral, and I won't.
You didn't offer me a snack tray on that-- you wagged your finger at me, "Tut tut!" I found your advice to be patronizing. I know you were trying not to sound that way-- but... yeah.
I'm looking for understanding, not advice. If you wish to offer a new perspective that's okay-- but your words are not new to me. I grew up hearing them and realizing how much they contributed to hurting ME over and over and over and over and over again. Let us instead offer our hearts to people who genuinely try to do right. We all mess up sometimes, but our time and our love is valuable-- and not to be wasted upon those who would use it against us and those around them.
I think one of my biggest issues I've been trying to come to terms with is not about loving hateful people... its about dealing with my utter bitterness towards those who advocate loving hateful people. I would like to not let these sorts of people get under my skin because I know they're wrong. It may feel very self-righteous to say, "Love everyone, even the awful people." And you CAN, in THEORY, from a DISTANCE. But real love effects lives, up close and in person. And offering yourself (which is what love is) to someone who revels in smashing your heart helps no one.
I hear what you're saying, and I've fully considered most of what you're suggesting for years. For what its worth, I offered Mona love. I tried making room for her, speaking to her, accepting her, I was affectionate towards her. Like I said, I GENUINELY LIKED HER even with her faults and prejudices for months until her treating me like shit just made it impossible.
I totally understand where you're coming from. I do.
However, I think loving people who are hateful is a waste of time and energy that could be better spent on those who are good (or mostly good) people who deserve my time, attention and heart. Love towards hateful people does not solve all problems. In fact, it often helps perpetuate problems.
I grew up with a mother who preached LOVE to me for my alcoholic, abusive father. She's a Buddhist. I've heard this before for many decades ad nauseum.
My challenge is NOT to love those who hate me, my challenge is to love myself and other people despite being hurt for daring to love the wrong people in the first place. I agree I need to "let go" (which I call "dismissal" as opposed to "forgiveness") but loving from a distance or pretending to feel warm towards someone I detest (and it would be pretending because I totally detested Mona) is inauthentic and damaging to my heart.
My journey tells me to learn to accept anger and hurt, and then learn to move on with life. My journey tells me I don't have to embrace those who hurt me with malice aforethought. My journey has taught me to express the TRUTH of sometimes very ugly feelings, even if I know I'll get judged and lectured for admitting to going through often awkward periods processing these emotions.
I do not think loving the hateful is the right thing to do. It invites them to hurt me again (and when I have forgiven prematurely this has ALWAYS proved to be the case) and it encourages them to continue behaving badly because they don't face consequences for it.
I am allowed, as every person is, to place a limit on how people treat me and say, "NO MORE!" I am allowed to fill my garden with flowers and herbs and fruits rather than weeds and brambles.
I do love often. I do love hard. There is nothing wrong with how I love-- except sometimes I don't love myself enough to protect myself. This is why its so important for me to process these feelings I've had towards those who have maliciously attacked me, who have purposely tried to ruin my life and that of my husband. I'm allowed to be angry. I'm allowed to turn away. I'm allowed to NOT love.
Love which is OBLIGATED is not love at all, but merely the pretense of it-- and for what? To impress whom? This is why I am not Xtian because there is this martyr mentality when it comes to making mean people with power answer for their bad behavior. The pressure is on the underdog to forgive, rather on the one taking advantage of their power to behave. That's not a philosophy I can ever get behind. Yet-- oddly, I have found I am IN ACTION more charitable and tolerant of others than almost any Xtain I've ever met. Go figure.
There are many ways to be at peace. One way is to give up. Another is to give in. And still another is to take that conflict and see it through to the other side and release it. I have chosen the third option in my life. It means I don't lie about my true feelings, even if I don't look so good to others in admitting them. It means I deal with my own very real issues underlying some often strong emotions. It means that when I find peace "on the other side" of conflicts it is therefore REAL and LASTING. It has meaning and value above and beyond simply not being in conflict for the moment. The peace I seek does not come easily and it may be messy to get there, but it ends with strength, true love, and self-respect.
If it seems I take umbrage at your very thoughtful, heart-felt comments, it is because I feel you aren't understanding where I'm coming from in this. You may simply think I'm wrong, and if so-- I adamently disagree with you. For some reason, people have it in their heads that we should love the hateful, but sometimes the most loving thing we can do for EVERYONE, including ourselves, is to abandon the hateful to their fate. Its one thing to make honest mistakes, its another to purposely TRY to hurt another repeatedly. Why is that mean person worth MORE than ME, because that is what you're asking me to do here-- put a horrible person's well-being ABOVE my own.
My journey has taught me that this is not the answer. It's not.
It's NOT.
As for the rest-- she's gone, I'm relieved, I'm moving on. I had a momentary emotional reaction which is already passing. Life continues. I'll be fine. I just took a moment aside to re-examine my feelings and attitudes to see what was still pertinent and what wasn't, and I'm entirely satisfied with what I've found.
But I will not accept that I'm not a loving enough individual for daring to express these highlly improper emotions. I'm allowed to feel any way I want to feel. Its what I DO, not what I FEEL that matters. I worked out my issues with my husband and I'm okay now. I know myself well enough to know I should not go to that funeral, and I won't.
You didn't offer me a snack tray on that-- you wagged your finger at me, "Tut tut!" I found your advice to be patronizing. I know you were trying not to sound that way-- but... yeah.
I'm looking for understanding, not advice. If you wish to offer a new perspective that's okay-- but your words are not new to me. I grew up hearing them and realizing how much they contributed to hurting ME over and over and over and over and over again. Let us instead offer our hearts to people who genuinely try to do right. We all mess up sometimes, but our time and our love is valuable-- and not to be wasted upon those who would use it against us and those around them.
I think one of my biggest issues I've been trying to come to terms with is not about loving hateful people... its about dealing with my utter bitterness towards those who advocate loving hateful people. I would like to not let these sorts of people get under my skin because I know they're wrong. It may feel very self-righteous to say, "Love everyone, even the awful people." And you CAN, in THEORY, from a DISTANCE. But real love effects lives, up close and in person. And offering yourself (which is what love is) to someone who revels in smashing your heart helps no one.
