tranquilityseekers (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
tranquilityseekers) wrote2014-01-24 01:23 pm
tranquilityseekers) wrote2014-01-24 01:23 pm
Entry tags:
"No Such Things As Real Victims" <--Motives For Backing This Lie
On another site I wrote a reaction to an interview I listened to, and one thing I mentioned was how the 'negative people have negative experiences and positive people have positive ones' viewpoint drove me insane. Its not ethical, but its also just plain not true. Regardless of this, there are those who will insist upon their opinion (in the face of evidence, a case of stubborn stupidity if ever I saw it) that people have the momentous power to choose which way their lives go in all areas.
I'm going to quickly preface this by saying, for those of you who don't know, that I've been actively working to pull myself up from a very abusive and neglectful homelife as a child, on top of managing and trying to alleviate chronic illness issues and poverty always licking at my heels. I'm very motivated to improve my life (and have, in countless ways) and eager to take responsibility (and therefore power) for this life.
Likewise, I have also been in the magickal communities. I was a Priestess of a Circle for 10 years. I've rubbed elbows with, gone to festivals with, had meetings 20 times a year for over 15 years, and read more books and tried more variations of spells, rituals, rites, and prayers than you can imagine. I have a very active spiritual life. SO! I'm very familiar with the ins and outs of magical theory and practice. I GET IT. I have many years of experiences and experimentation to discover what works and what the limitations are of 'the power of positive thinking' and WAY beyond that.
I say all this-- not to brag-- but to establish that I have really looked at this IDEA of controlling your experiences using whatever means you can imagine and put most of them to the test. And I've done this for years. Years. Therefore, I think I get some credit for assuming that I know what I'm talking about with this sort of thing.
Having someone comment in one of my blogs or approach me in person (say, in support groups or meetings for magickal practitioners) and declare that they KNOW for a fact that if I'm having negative experiences or bad luck that it must be my fault in some way because they're certain that I'm simply choosing incorrectly or something... blah blah... ??
Yeah, it can make me splutter a bit!!
What one comment recently said as an example:
But then I have to stop and take a moment to think. Its so easy, when you've been a victim too often throughout your life, to go into defensive mode. And that's sometimes right where a person making such an assumption wants you to be. What I need to do is get curious instead. There is usually an emotional reason why people believe what they believe. Not a logical reason-- despite what they may have fooled themselves into believing. That's part of why people look askance upon stark materialistic skeptical types-- we know they have a reason to not want paranormality to bleed into normality. They have no expertise on the the weird. No domain. No power...
So let's ask ourselves: What are the real motives behind WHY a person WANTS to believe that bad experiences and bad luck could only happen to bad people?
Its not so hard to pin down. Most people want to believe that somehow, someway, the universe makes sense. Ethically more than in any other way. We want to believe in heaven, hell, karma-- SOMETHING that proves that it actually matters if you do the right thing instead of the (more rewarding) wrong thing. We want to think there are rules. That we're protected. That things are fair somehow down the road even if they're not so fair now. Am I right? Its a very human need, and most of us have that sense about things.
But what do you do when your own personal world or even the greater world around you presents you with clear cases of injustice?
We all face this at some point. And most of us many, many times. And how we answer that question pretty much sets the stage for being one of 3 types of people: good, neutral/lazy/cowardly, or evil.
A good person (and yes I've said this before) will take it as a challenge to make the world a better place. Maybe they go after and punish the wrongdoer (we have laws and systems for this which sometimes work) or maybe they stand up for the victim. It can be thankless and it can be scary, and its amazing how many people shit on you for being a good person-- but some people do it anyway because the idea of bad things happening in their territory is just an affront and they have to address it somehow.
A bad person will look at the situation and only wish they could have been the one to have pulled it off and run away with the reward. They think of course the world sucks so get what you can while you can. Maybe they consider themselves a victim to make it okay to victimize others. Maybe they're a sociopath with no wiring or chemistry in their brains to be truly human.
But the hardest thing to face for most people who actually fall in the middle somewhere is the fact that they don't get to give themselves credit for doing things it takes actual compassion and bravery to do: stand up for what's right and offer support to those who have been hurt. To cover for this LACK of what it takes to be good, they RATIONALIZE. That's a standard defense mechanism. You basically come up with very logical sounding (and often feel-good sounding) reasons WHY you don't do the right thing. Deep inside, I think most people know they're not stepping up when they should, but if they can convince themselves that they really are then maybe they can live every day with the inner contradiction.
Why do so many mothers of incest victims do nothing to protect their own children? I've been up close and personal to this one from both sides (friends, not me-- thankfully!) and the answer is: They rationalize. Their kid was REALLY a slut and asking for it (never mind that he or she was 4!) They really need a man in the house for protection (from what? evil is there already!) They can't live on the money she could bring in (because things are more important than safety?) You see where I'm going here.
When you have a group of people saying, "Here are these good people being abused and tormented in a world where we like to believe you get what you deserve!" then you have to ask yourself how to meet this challenge.
Sometimes when we hear of some awful thing happening, we just hope that it could never happen to us-- so we start to imagine what WE would have done differently to avoid the same fate. Women do this all the time when we hear about rape cases. I don't even think most of us try to blame the rape victim, we just seek so desperately to avoid the same fate that we will grasp onto anything, "She was drinking! She was too flirtatious!" to help us think that if we had been there, we would not have been a victim. Being helpless and assaulted is not where anyone wants to be. Even in our imaginations, we try to distance ourselves from being in the position of being harmed.
Finally, providing support to victims of any crime can be exhausting. More and more of us are being brought up to believe its all about US and our comfort zones and our self esteem. Thinking about and caring about other people's issues and problems is very burdensome to selfish people who just want to feel safe, happy, and pursue their pleasures without being interrupted. Who need contradictions?
And so some very strange rationalizations creep up.
Whether its Xtians who say, "God wouldn't allow this to happen to righteous people. You're a sinner attracting demons!" or its New Agers who say that really, we all actually control and agree to everything in our lives-- ergo if it happens to you then its your fault... The victim is blamed so that the person can avoid feeling sympathy. The victim is blamed so that they can avoid facing the stark truth that they themselves are not one of the good people.
Indifference is what you get when people don't want to care. Selfish people need things to be very convenient for them, and will reject that which upsets their limited worlds too much. As a child and teen who was both abused and neglected by very human parents, my cries for help (sometimes literally) were most often just... IGNORED. People didn't often hurt me (although the bullies scented blood and perked their ears when I walked by) but very few who understood my situation would step in to help. Out of dozens I reached out to-- there were 3. 3! -- who actually attempted to help me. The rest? Couldn't be bothered.
That's why evil is allowed to flourish-- because most people turn away. I'm not saying everyone has to be a warrior or a healer. You can be an advocate. A counselor. A friend. A neighbor. Family the way family is supposed to be. That's all-- just don't make excuses for the liars, cheats, criminals, and dogs and give a damn about the devastation the bad guys leave behind.
A long time ago I made the decision that at least I wouldn't be neutral, lazy, or cowardly. If I see it-- if it steps across into my territory, I meet it. And yeah, that gets scary. But fuck it. I couldn't live with myself any other way. I'm not very good at rationalizing. I grew up with the best rationalizer I ever knew: my mother-- and I can't believe my own bullshit any more than I could believe hers or anyone else's. I learned something else too:
Smug self-righteousness is a good cover for an empty person.
And thank you, but I prefer to live my life FULLY. That means facing uncomfortable truths-- like the truth that we can't and don't have the power over the world (universe) that we'd like to or the other beings living in it. You accept that you're not under God's protection and that you're not the special exception. You face it and you deal with it like an adult.
Try it sometime. Its not so bad.
I'm going to quickly preface this by saying, for those of you who don't know, that I've been actively working to pull myself up from a very abusive and neglectful homelife as a child, on top of managing and trying to alleviate chronic illness issues and poverty always licking at my heels. I'm very motivated to improve my life (and have, in countless ways) and eager to take responsibility (and therefore power) for this life.
Likewise, I have also been in the magickal communities. I was a Priestess of a Circle for 10 years. I've rubbed elbows with, gone to festivals with, had meetings 20 times a year for over 15 years, and read more books and tried more variations of spells, rituals, rites, and prayers than you can imagine. I have a very active spiritual life. SO! I'm very familiar with the ins and outs of magical theory and practice. I GET IT. I have many years of experiences and experimentation to discover what works and what the limitations are of 'the power of positive thinking' and WAY beyond that.
I say all this-- not to brag-- but to establish that I have really looked at this IDEA of controlling your experiences using whatever means you can imagine and put most of them to the test. And I've done this for years. Years. Therefore, I think I get some credit for assuming that I know what I'm talking about with this sort of thing.
Having someone comment in one of my blogs or approach me in person (say, in support groups or meetings for magickal practitioners) and declare that they KNOW for a fact that if I'm having negative experiences or bad luck that it must be my fault in some way because they're certain that I'm simply choosing incorrectly or something... blah blah... ??
Yeah, it can make me splutter a bit!!
What one comment recently said as an example:
"Actually...
You can stop having these experiences... not through religion, but through conscious understanding of what the experiences are for you (you need to know what you do not want and will not allow) and of your authority as the ultimate sovereign of your own space. There is a universal contract between you and "all that is" that exists over and other any other "contract" or "victimization" or "situation" or "powerlessness" that you feel in regards to others - no matter how frustrated you are by your relationships - in the final analysis - you have free will, and you can consciously re-write your contract, victimization, situation or powerlessness - (whatever you will allow the idea of a personal life storyline/script to be called...) and stop having these experiences and stop being on THEIR schedule. Or you can choose to have the experiences on your own terms... which can still be "Not at all!" You are sovereign in your own space. Just because you are convinced you are not, does not mean you are not."But then I have to stop and take a moment to think. Its so easy, when you've been a victim too often throughout your life, to go into defensive mode. And that's sometimes right where a person making such an assumption wants you to be. What I need to do is get curious instead. There is usually an emotional reason why people believe what they believe. Not a logical reason-- despite what they may have fooled themselves into believing. That's part of why people look askance upon stark materialistic skeptical types-- we know they have a reason to not want paranormality to bleed into normality. They have no expertise on the the weird. No domain. No power...
So let's ask ourselves: What are the real motives behind WHY a person WANTS to believe that bad experiences and bad luck could only happen to bad people?
Its not so hard to pin down. Most people want to believe that somehow, someway, the universe makes sense. Ethically more than in any other way. We want to believe in heaven, hell, karma-- SOMETHING that proves that it actually matters if you do the right thing instead of the (more rewarding) wrong thing. We want to think there are rules. That we're protected. That things are fair somehow down the road even if they're not so fair now. Am I right? Its a very human need, and most of us have that sense about things.
But what do you do when your own personal world or even the greater world around you presents you with clear cases of injustice?
We all face this at some point. And most of us many, many times. And how we answer that question pretty much sets the stage for being one of 3 types of people: good, neutral/lazy/cowardly, or evil.
A good person (and yes I've said this before) will take it as a challenge to make the world a better place. Maybe they go after and punish the wrongdoer (we have laws and systems for this which sometimes work) or maybe they stand up for the victim. It can be thankless and it can be scary, and its amazing how many people shit on you for being a good person-- but some people do it anyway because the idea of bad things happening in their territory is just an affront and they have to address it somehow.
A bad person will look at the situation and only wish they could have been the one to have pulled it off and run away with the reward. They think of course the world sucks so get what you can while you can. Maybe they consider themselves a victim to make it okay to victimize others. Maybe they're a sociopath with no wiring or chemistry in their brains to be truly human.
But the hardest thing to face for most people who actually fall in the middle somewhere is the fact that they don't get to give themselves credit for doing things it takes actual compassion and bravery to do: stand up for what's right and offer support to those who have been hurt. To cover for this LACK of what it takes to be good, they RATIONALIZE. That's a standard defense mechanism. You basically come up with very logical sounding (and often feel-good sounding) reasons WHY you don't do the right thing. Deep inside, I think most people know they're not stepping up when they should, but if they can convince themselves that they really are then maybe they can live every day with the inner contradiction.
Why do so many mothers of incest victims do nothing to protect their own children? I've been up close and personal to this one from both sides (friends, not me-- thankfully!) and the answer is: They rationalize. Their kid was REALLY a slut and asking for it (never mind that he or she was 4!) They really need a man in the house for protection (from what? evil is there already!) They can't live on the money she could bring in (because things are more important than safety?) You see where I'm going here.
When you have a group of people saying, "Here are these good people being abused and tormented in a world where we like to believe you get what you deserve!" then you have to ask yourself how to meet this challenge.
Sometimes when we hear of some awful thing happening, we just hope that it could never happen to us-- so we start to imagine what WE would have done differently to avoid the same fate. Women do this all the time when we hear about rape cases. I don't even think most of us try to blame the rape victim, we just seek so desperately to avoid the same fate that we will grasp onto anything, "She was drinking! She was too flirtatious!" to help us think that if we had been there, we would not have been a victim. Being helpless and assaulted is not where anyone wants to be. Even in our imaginations, we try to distance ourselves from being in the position of being harmed.
Finally, providing support to victims of any crime can be exhausting. More and more of us are being brought up to believe its all about US and our comfort zones and our self esteem. Thinking about and caring about other people's issues and problems is very burdensome to selfish people who just want to feel safe, happy, and pursue their pleasures without being interrupted. Who need contradictions?
And so some very strange rationalizations creep up.
Whether its Xtians who say, "God wouldn't allow this to happen to righteous people. You're a sinner attracting demons!" or its New Agers who say that really, we all actually control and agree to everything in our lives-- ergo if it happens to you then its your fault... The victim is blamed so that the person can avoid feeling sympathy. The victim is blamed so that they can avoid facing the stark truth that they themselves are not one of the good people.
Indifference is what you get when people don't want to care. Selfish people need things to be very convenient for them, and will reject that which upsets their limited worlds too much. As a child and teen who was both abused and neglected by very human parents, my cries for help (sometimes literally) were most often just... IGNORED. People didn't often hurt me (although the bullies scented blood and perked their ears when I walked by) but very few who understood my situation would step in to help. Out of dozens I reached out to-- there were 3. 3! -- who actually attempted to help me. The rest? Couldn't be bothered.
That's why evil is allowed to flourish-- because most people turn away. I'm not saying everyone has to be a warrior or a healer. You can be an advocate. A counselor. A friend. A neighbor. Family the way family is supposed to be. That's all-- just don't make excuses for the liars, cheats, criminals, and dogs and give a damn about the devastation the bad guys leave behind.
A long time ago I made the decision that at least I wouldn't be neutral, lazy, or cowardly. If I see it-- if it steps across into my territory, I meet it. And yeah, that gets scary. But fuck it. I couldn't live with myself any other way. I'm not very good at rationalizing. I grew up with the best rationalizer I ever knew: my mother-- and I can't believe my own bullshit any more than I could believe hers or anyone else's. I learned something else too:
Smug self-righteousness is a good cover for an empty person.
And thank you, but I prefer to live my life FULLY. That means facing uncomfortable truths-- like the truth that we can't and don't have the power over the world (universe) that we'd like to or the other beings living in it. You accept that you're not under God's protection and that you're not the special exception. You face it and you deal with it like an adult.
Try it sometime. Its not so bad.