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At last! The final set of posts for this series!
We know there are assholes. We know most people will choose to follow the assholes, or at least turn away when assholes play. So what are the rest of us to do? For too long, we've been struggling to get by knowing the odds are against us when it comes to assholes and their slack-jawed followers and the supposedly neutral "see-no-evil" types who still take the asshole's side by refusing to take sides.
Once again, some great advice from Phil McGraw and his book, Life Code: The New Rules For Winning In the Real World. The listed items are his entirely, maybe a little tweaked, but explanation and commentary is mine. I had to look outside my own life experience for some clues, I admit it-- I have too often been entirely flummoxed. So I'm hoping to start with this list, see how it works, and maybe a few years from now revisit and revise if needed. I'm not sure how well this will work, but I'm willing to take it under advisement and see if it does me any good.
McGraw calls this list "the Sweet 16"-- but I'll call it...
A Good Person's Guide To A Bad Person's World
(Because we all know who has been winning right? Not us, that's for sure.)
1. Keep things “close to the vest.” Learn to cultivate a little mystery for yourself.
As we learned in a previous post, one problem in the sociopath-victim dynamic is that sociopaths and many minions are out actively looking for our vulnerabilities. Good people don't often keep a lot of secrets because we don't feel we have a lot to hide, but assholes are looking for all sorts of things to exploit. These days, its harder than ever to be discreet, but apparently well worth some effort.
You'll notice that this is taking a play directly out of the bad guy's playbook and using it for self-defense against the bad guys. This isn't just about raw facts, but about admitting to what really bothers us and where our vulnerabilities lay. Giving away too much too early makes things too easy for the bad guys to nail us later-- and not in the fun way.
Most trustworthy people are too trusting themselves, assuming that trust is a given until one proves they don't deserve it. Instead, we need to assume that ANY new person we're dealing with should not be trusted until they've proven they've earned our trust.
Read that last sentence again carefully. Mind-blowing, right!? How could we all have missed this one? But we did, didn't we?
A little mystery just means being courteous without spilling your life story after knowing someone for 2 days. Empaths LOVE to connect to people, and we LOVE to share who we are and compare notes about life with others. This is a wonderful gift that we need to offer to people further down the timeline, and probably in bits and pieces, rather than all at once. Sociopaths aren't very patient (see: Impulse control issues) and will be unlikely to hide their true character for long. We must WAIT until we know a person a little before sharing. Our more Mysterious selves are likely to be embraced over our Too Much Information selves anyway!
* THIS I should have branded backwards on my forehead so I wake up to the reminder every day when I look in the mirror!
2. Have (and reveal) a defined image of your character.
So we know we need to play it close to the chest, at least to start, and not give away our personal details quite so quickly-- but how do we fill that social gap?
One mistake most good people tend to make is that we assume, rather incorrectly, that because we give other people the benefit of the doubt and try to play fair-- that others will do the same for us. That's projection in a more positive light, basically. Unfortunately, since the majority of the human race is NOT good (or evil) we're actually leaving too much room for misinterpretation.
The solution to that is-- in a nutshell, and as squicky as it seems-- to subtly advertise what kind of a person we are. Good people who try are too modest, while assholes and sociopaths brag away. As pathetic as it seems, advertising works, and people believe what they hear repeatedly. We assume we shouldn't have to tell people that we're decent, but guess what? WRONG. This isn't just about beliefs that are subjective, its about what kind of person we are and who knows about it.
Other people besides us have had to learn to play the game of life defensively. They're looking to know who to count on and who to keep an eye on-- and if they can have a better idea of our worth as someone who is not going to cheat or bully others, we may have another potential supporter of our own. People believe a sociopath's lies because they want to believe them. Maybe its time we give them a truth they want to believe a little sooner than TOO DAMN LATE.
I think another reason its important to have a well defined 'image' of our character is for ourselves. We need to tell ourselves, and reaffirm to ourselves, that- damn it- we are honest, hard-working, fair-minded people who believe in reasonable treatment and freedom for everyone and will stand against anything that threatens that. Too often people like us are put down and told that doing the right thing is too scary, too embarrassing, and too much for us for handle. Reminding ourselves that- damn it- we're not going to be talked out of being better people is good self-affirmation for a world that doesn't tend to support us except in self-congratulatory theory.
3. Allow others to perceive your uniqueness, and refuse to undervalue yourself.
Another way to fill that social gap when it comes to being polite, discreet, and yet keeping a defined image of our character is to refuse to hide our best qualities. Personal information can stay under wraps for better times and better people, but there is no reason to hide our sense of humor, our can-do attitude, our cleverness, our sweet disposition, or our joy in life! This is all about revealing our genuine strengths by demonstration, rather than our vulnerabilities by report.
Once more we see how modesty, especially artificially sanctioned false modesty, can really do damage to our place in the world. I don't think this is about bragging about accomplishments or traits so much as it is about allowing ourselves and who we are to come forth. Don't talk about your joy-- show it. A person can brag about how wonderful they are (and sociopaths do!) but that will NEVER have the impact of showing that you actually possess those unique traits that make you a valuable and special person.
If you have a talent, enjoy it and share it with others --maybe teach some skills or find others of like-mind to collaborate with. If you have a passion, follow it. Too often, we assume that others won't appreciate what we bring to the world, or are worried that we'll make others feel bad or envious, and so we hide those very things that make us interesting and cool to know. Our quirks and passions are a part of our existence that no sociopath could ever bring to the world-- and when we share them, we give others a chance to know us better, and thwart the sociopaths just a little by default.
I know so many empathic artists, dancers, writers, musicians, chefs, interior decorators and singers who may not ply their passions professionally, but nonetheless have fabulous contributions to make through their hobbies. Modesty and shyness ensures the rest of the world misses their gifts. This is one area where pretenders and fakirs just can't cut it. I truly believe one reason we get targeted is because the assholes know that other people might well be intrigued and appreciative of what we can bring to them and the world as friends, peers, and citizens. If we share our creative, passionate, and unique selves, we've already cut into those nefarious plans before they can prevent that from happening!
We've been fooled for too long into believing that if we don't make money at it or win contests with it our passions and talents just don't matter. By undervaluing ourselves, we allow others to undervalue us. Why make it easy for them? Seize our joy in life and our unique way of being in the world, and we bring value to others and create another incentive for people to understand who we are and perhaps hesitate in undervaluing us themselves. Hiding modestly to prevent attack is exactly the opposite of what we should be doing. Bring it OUT and PROUD and attack becomes much more difficult. You may attract the attention of the envious, but you attract far more supporters who will back you. If you're already daring to be YOU, you're already ahead of those who wanted to prevent that from taking place.
* This is a piece of advice I can vouch for because I've played it both ways and for sure hiding not only didn't protect me, it curtailed my very reasons for living. Nothing feels better than being yourself completely. It may take practice and getting used to-- but its well worth the effort.
4. Learn to claim and accept praise, and acknowledge it in a gracious way.
This took a while for me to master, because I grew up in a home of ceaseless criticism. I rarely heard praise, and so never learned how to react to it. Eventually, I realized that denying another person's praise of me was cruel to both them and myself. It didn't help growing up with a con man who only and always lied when he flattered others to manipulate them. But there is a difference between flattery and praise-- a big one.
People don't go out of their way to praise others too often, so we should always pay attention. Regardless of how its given, we need to accept it graciously. If the intent was to control us, we'll know because its too effusive or not accurate or coming from a known or suspected liar. If we know our own value, we'll know when others are genuinely in admiration and we'll be able to accept a compliment properly and even enjoy it a little.
Though many of us may have been trained to undervalue ourselves (especially women) and to believe little in our own worth, shrugging off a compliment will do us no good. All it takes is a sincere thank you and a smile. Is that so hard? Okay-- maybe to start, but its a little habit well worth improving.
* Also from experience, I can say that denying others' praise means they'll eventually give up supporting you. Sincere praise is an acknowledgment that someone believes in you at least a little. Never spit on that!
5. Always keep an open and investigative mind. Seek to know rather than to assume, and deal only with the truth.
Once more we peer into the asshole playbook for tips to use for good rather than evil!
Its all about not giving away trust that should be earned. And its about not being so certain about people that we stop paying attention. Keeping an open and investigative mind means not assuming people are either good or bad, but rather quieting our projections and letting ourselves observe and take notes.
Good people tend to believe the best of others because they want to believe it. How is this better than bad people believing the worst of others because they want to? Both are totally screwed because they're putting their expectations OVER reality!
What we need to do is stop believing anything about anyone!! We rather need to start looking for, acknowledging, and dealing with the truth of what we find. No more wishing people to be better or worse than what they are and making decisions based upon either overly optimistic or pessimistic viewpoints. We need to assume we know nothing and that any given person we meet could be good, bad, or somewhere in between. Then we need to watch, listen, and evaluate. As we've seen in previous posts, sociopaths and their minions give themselves away before too long. The signs will pop up and we'll know where we stand.
* This is another one I really, REALLY need to work on. I have denied negative signs from people I WANTED to like before and always to my own detriment. One thing I learned was that my own intuition tends to be ahead of my rational mind in this. I tend to instinctively not like people who are too negative. My mistake comes when that makes me feel guilty and I talk myself out of my own bad feelings. What I should do instead is note: "Hey, I'm not liking this person. There is often a reason for that. I shall pay close attention and see where this is coming from."
An excellent example-- the ONE person at my last job I never liked, a co-worker, stumped me because I couldn't figure out why I didn't like her. She was a little lazy and self-pitying, but nothing that stood out in any way. It was years before I discovered she was basically spying on the employees for her mother, who was on the corporate board of the company! I don't know what my intuition picked up on-- but it was on the money from day one while the rest of me was scratching her head!
More to come in next 2 posts! This is running long as it is!
We know there are assholes. We know most people will choose to follow the assholes, or at least turn away when assholes play. So what are the rest of us to do? For too long, we've been struggling to get by knowing the odds are against us when it comes to assholes and their slack-jawed followers and the supposedly neutral "see-no-evil" types who still take the asshole's side by refusing to take sides.
Once again, some great advice from Phil McGraw and his book, Life Code: The New Rules For Winning In the Real World. The listed items are his entirely, maybe a little tweaked, but explanation and commentary is mine. I had to look outside my own life experience for some clues, I admit it-- I have too often been entirely flummoxed. So I'm hoping to start with this list, see how it works, and maybe a few years from now revisit and revise if needed. I'm not sure how well this will work, but I'm willing to take it under advisement and see if it does me any good.
McGraw calls this list "the Sweet 16"-- but I'll call it...
A Good Person's Guide To A Bad Person's World
(Because we all know who has been winning right? Not us, that's for sure.)
1. Keep things “close to the vest.” Learn to cultivate a little mystery for yourself.
As we learned in a previous post, one problem in the sociopath-victim dynamic is that sociopaths and many minions are out actively looking for our vulnerabilities. Good people don't often keep a lot of secrets because we don't feel we have a lot to hide, but assholes are looking for all sorts of things to exploit. These days, its harder than ever to be discreet, but apparently well worth some effort.
You'll notice that this is taking a play directly out of the bad guy's playbook and using it for self-defense against the bad guys. This isn't just about raw facts, but about admitting to what really bothers us and where our vulnerabilities lay. Giving away too much too early makes things too easy for the bad guys to nail us later-- and not in the fun way.
Most trustworthy people are too trusting themselves, assuming that trust is a given until one proves they don't deserve it. Instead, we need to assume that ANY new person we're dealing with should not be trusted until they've proven they've earned our trust.
Read that last sentence again carefully. Mind-blowing, right!? How could we all have missed this one? But we did, didn't we?
A little mystery just means being courteous without spilling your life story after knowing someone for 2 days. Empaths LOVE to connect to people, and we LOVE to share who we are and compare notes about life with others. This is a wonderful gift that we need to offer to people further down the timeline, and probably in bits and pieces, rather than all at once. Sociopaths aren't very patient (see: Impulse control issues) and will be unlikely to hide their true character for long. We must WAIT until we know a person a little before sharing. Our more Mysterious selves are likely to be embraced over our Too Much Information selves anyway!
* THIS I should have branded backwards on my forehead so I wake up to the reminder every day when I look in the mirror!
2. Have (and reveal) a defined image of your character.
So we know we need to play it close to the chest, at least to start, and not give away our personal details quite so quickly-- but how do we fill that social gap?
One mistake most good people tend to make is that we assume, rather incorrectly, that because we give other people the benefit of the doubt and try to play fair-- that others will do the same for us. That's projection in a more positive light, basically. Unfortunately, since the majority of the human race is NOT good (or evil) we're actually leaving too much room for misinterpretation.
The solution to that is-- in a nutshell, and as squicky as it seems-- to subtly advertise what kind of a person we are. Good people who try are too modest, while assholes and sociopaths brag away. As pathetic as it seems, advertising works, and people believe what they hear repeatedly. We assume we shouldn't have to tell people that we're decent, but guess what? WRONG. This isn't just about beliefs that are subjective, its about what kind of person we are and who knows about it.
Other people besides us have had to learn to play the game of life defensively. They're looking to know who to count on and who to keep an eye on-- and if they can have a better idea of our worth as someone who is not going to cheat or bully others, we may have another potential supporter of our own. People believe a sociopath's lies because they want to believe them. Maybe its time we give them a truth they want to believe a little sooner than TOO DAMN LATE.
I think another reason its important to have a well defined 'image' of our character is for ourselves. We need to tell ourselves, and reaffirm to ourselves, that- damn it- we are honest, hard-working, fair-minded people who believe in reasonable treatment and freedom for everyone and will stand against anything that threatens that. Too often people like us are put down and told that doing the right thing is too scary, too embarrassing, and too much for us for handle. Reminding ourselves that- damn it- we're not going to be talked out of being better people is good self-affirmation for a world that doesn't tend to support us except in self-congratulatory theory.
3. Allow others to perceive your uniqueness, and refuse to undervalue yourself.
Another way to fill that social gap when it comes to being polite, discreet, and yet keeping a defined image of our character is to refuse to hide our best qualities. Personal information can stay under wraps for better times and better people, but there is no reason to hide our sense of humor, our can-do attitude, our cleverness, our sweet disposition, or our joy in life! This is all about revealing our genuine strengths by demonstration, rather than our vulnerabilities by report.
Once more we see how modesty, especially artificially sanctioned false modesty, can really do damage to our place in the world. I don't think this is about bragging about accomplishments or traits so much as it is about allowing ourselves and who we are to come forth. Don't talk about your joy-- show it. A person can brag about how wonderful they are (and sociopaths do!) but that will NEVER have the impact of showing that you actually possess those unique traits that make you a valuable and special person.
If you have a talent, enjoy it and share it with others --maybe teach some skills or find others of like-mind to collaborate with. If you have a passion, follow it. Too often, we assume that others won't appreciate what we bring to the world, or are worried that we'll make others feel bad or envious, and so we hide those very things that make us interesting and cool to know. Our quirks and passions are a part of our existence that no sociopath could ever bring to the world-- and when we share them, we give others a chance to know us better, and thwart the sociopaths just a little by default.
I know so many empathic artists, dancers, writers, musicians, chefs, interior decorators and singers who may not ply their passions professionally, but nonetheless have fabulous contributions to make through their hobbies. Modesty and shyness ensures the rest of the world misses their gifts. This is one area where pretenders and fakirs just can't cut it. I truly believe one reason we get targeted is because the assholes know that other people might well be intrigued and appreciative of what we can bring to them and the world as friends, peers, and citizens. If we share our creative, passionate, and unique selves, we've already cut into those nefarious plans before they can prevent that from happening!
We've been fooled for too long into believing that if we don't make money at it or win contests with it our passions and talents just don't matter. By undervaluing ourselves, we allow others to undervalue us. Why make it easy for them? Seize our joy in life and our unique way of being in the world, and we bring value to others and create another incentive for people to understand who we are and perhaps hesitate in undervaluing us themselves. Hiding modestly to prevent attack is exactly the opposite of what we should be doing. Bring it OUT and PROUD and attack becomes much more difficult. You may attract the attention of the envious, but you attract far more supporters who will back you. If you're already daring to be YOU, you're already ahead of those who wanted to prevent that from taking place.
* This is a piece of advice I can vouch for because I've played it both ways and for sure hiding not only didn't protect me, it curtailed my very reasons for living. Nothing feels better than being yourself completely. It may take practice and getting used to-- but its well worth the effort.
4. Learn to claim and accept praise, and acknowledge it in a gracious way.
This took a while for me to master, because I grew up in a home of ceaseless criticism. I rarely heard praise, and so never learned how to react to it. Eventually, I realized that denying another person's praise of me was cruel to both them and myself. It didn't help growing up with a con man who only and always lied when he flattered others to manipulate them. But there is a difference between flattery and praise-- a big one.
People don't go out of their way to praise others too often, so we should always pay attention. Regardless of how its given, we need to accept it graciously. If the intent was to control us, we'll know because its too effusive or not accurate or coming from a known or suspected liar. If we know our own value, we'll know when others are genuinely in admiration and we'll be able to accept a compliment properly and even enjoy it a little.
Though many of us may have been trained to undervalue ourselves (especially women) and to believe little in our own worth, shrugging off a compliment will do us no good. All it takes is a sincere thank you and a smile. Is that so hard? Okay-- maybe to start, but its a little habit well worth improving.
* Also from experience, I can say that denying others' praise means they'll eventually give up supporting you. Sincere praise is an acknowledgment that someone believes in you at least a little. Never spit on that!
5. Always keep an open and investigative mind. Seek to know rather than to assume, and deal only with the truth.
Once more we peer into the asshole playbook for tips to use for good rather than evil!
Its all about not giving away trust that should be earned. And its about not being so certain about people that we stop paying attention. Keeping an open and investigative mind means not assuming people are either good or bad, but rather quieting our projections and letting ourselves observe and take notes.
Good people tend to believe the best of others because they want to believe it. How is this better than bad people believing the worst of others because they want to? Both are totally screwed because they're putting their expectations OVER reality!
What we need to do is stop believing anything about anyone!! We rather need to start looking for, acknowledging, and dealing with the truth of what we find. No more wishing people to be better or worse than what they are and making decisions based upon either overly optimistic or pessimistic viewpoints. We need to assume we know nothing and that any given person we meet could be good, bad, or somewhere in between. Then we need to watch, listen, and evaluate. As we've seen in previous posts, sociopaths and their minions give themselves away before too long. The signs will pop up and we'll know where we stand.
* This is another one I really, REALLY need to work on. I have denied negative signs from people I WANTED to like before and always to my own detriment. One thing I learned was that my own intuition tends to be ahead of my rational mind in this. I tend to instinctively not like people who are too negative. My mistake comes when that makes me feel guilty and I talk myself out of my own bad feelings. What I should do instead is note: "Hey, I'm not liking this person. There is often a reason for that. I shall pay close attention and see where this is coming from."
An excellent example-- the ONE person at my last job I never liked, a co-worker, stumped me because I couldn't figure out why I didn't like her. She was a little lazy and self-pitying, but nothing that stood out in any way. It was years before I discovered she was basically spying on the employees for her mother, who was on the corporate board of the company! I don't know what my intuition picked up on-- but it was on the money from day one while the rest of me was scratching her head!
More to come in next 2 posts! This is running long as it is!
