Tranquility Seekers

Contemplating "Toxic Nostalgia"

2015-01-19T05:05:42Z

I have been steadily doing self-therapy through quality psychological books and workbooks since the age of 17, and maybe longer. Right now, I'm going through the Emotional Resilience book by David Viscott, M.D.-- a psychiatrist. After reading the intro I was a little disappointed, because it seemed that his solution for over-sensitivity was simply to tell people the truth. I took a bit of umbrage to that, because I'm already pretty well-versed in expressing myself honestly, and I quite often get very badly burned in retaliation.

I finally picked it up and continued after skimming more through the pages a bit. Dr. Viscott does explain how speaking your mind can go wrong and what to do to avoid that more and so forth.

Okaaay....

Anyways, the point of chapter one was the process that occurs when we don't express our feelings at the time something happens and instead hold them in. Over time, your memory and the self-talk about the situation gets exaggerated and distorted, creating a situation ripe for "toxic nostalgia"-- which sets you up perfectly to seek repeating situations where you try to resolve the original issue OR you find yourself over-reacting and out-of-control when things finally do get blurted out later. Which makes everything worse, then you get rejected and angry at yourself-- so you hold it in next time until you can't anymore and the cycle starts again.

He also discussed how not being honest with yourself and others makes it easier to play victim and blame others for your own mistakes. Also, that often when people are unhappy they distract themselves with incidental trivialities to avoid dealing with what's really bothering them. People are so afraid of being rejected for expressing their true feelings that they cause themselves real pain, through guilt, anxiety, and repressed rage--.

I can totally see what he means with all that, and have studied such things in self-help work before, so none of this comes as a surprise. I've been trying to work out that "express and get rejected" thing in particular. I've learned to be honest, but gently honest-- most of the time. And for the most part it works out pretty well for everyday misunderstandings and grievances. But the sticking point seems to be power issues. For most people, if I get rejected, my life isn't thrown into disarray. But for dealing with issues with, say, my husband-- there is always this THREAT hanging over me that his moody reaction will lead to worse problems. He has his frustrations too, of course, and that doesn't help.

I'm pretty good at owning my own shit, though-- so that's a good thing! NOT, mind you, that I get much credit for it from others! In fact, one of the down sides of having insight is that you get to be very aware when other people are projecting their shit at you and playing victim (Mira, for example) and using any fault you admit to as ammunition and permission to just go on some relentless attack.

My issue now is that I have deep feelings of sadness and distrust towards others when it comes to deeper relationships. I can work on my own side of things, but I can't make other people do the same, and its reached a point where I don't expect anyone to even want to... which means I don't have the power to help the situation beyond a certain point. And I expect that point to be reached in almost every relationship, and thence to be rejected unfairly.

Yet the only advice for this situation from experts is "forgive and move on." Or, in extreme cases, dismiss and move on as I say! The part where I have been losing hope comes from the perception I've come to have that I will be be eventually letting go and moving on in every relationship prematurely due to irreconcilable differences. It doesn't seem as if there is such a thing as life-long relationships anymore. And that BOTHERS ME, dammit!

My expectations lower more and more over time the more psychological work I do on myself. That may sound the opposite of what you'd expect, but its true. The more I realize what goes on in people's minds and how to counteract it to be a healthier person, the more I realize the gulf that lays between those of us who make an effort and everyone else wallowing in their delusions and distortions. Since I have no power over anyone but myself, all I can do is try to explain things but be prepared to bear witness to other people's assholery!

I must confess a stark truth: I have no RECIPROCAL deep and meaningful relationships in my life.

I have deep attachments. I have great love for a few other people. I have respect and appreciation for everyone I associate with on every level. I do my best to be real and truthful and caring and playful with others. But I have nearly zero expectation of emotional reciprocation, beyond basic respect and affinity. (I know my husband, for instance, is trying-- which is why I'm not giving up there and why we're still friends and family to one another, despite ongoing issues.)

You might well ask me, "What does 'deep and meaningful' mean to you?" I think its pretty simple: a relationship where there is mutual respect and trust, leading to spontaneous expression, sharing of thoughts, and ongoing curiosity and concern for one another's personal sphere, and a willingness to engage on a level deeper than the everyday trivialities and distractions of life.

We're all time-crunched and limited with what we can offer others, but everyone needs at least a few people, maybe 2 or 3, in their lives that invest that much into growing with us as a friend and/or lover. I don't seek nor expect every relationship to be at that level of depth and investment. Of course not! There is room in every life for many different kinds of relationships. I'm dissatisfied, however, because I don't have even ONE that I feel meets that basic desire. Not one. I don't think its asking too much, but I begin to despair that its ever going to happen.

I put all this work into myself to be a better person and have a higher quality of life, but then I find I am pretty much alone for it and can't use it for much of anything except expressing myself in blogs where a few people peep in, read, and sometimes even comment. I would LOVE for there to be a 'real life' person near by who would simply listen to me about the sorts of things I write about here! Just that would transform my life. But there is no one in my 'real life' who cares to hear it. I haven't given up attempting to share these types of things with others. But having your thoughts and feelings met with polite indifference most of the time just fucking hurts and I get tired of it.

I would accuse myself of being too demanding, except that I'm not asking for anything I'm not offering. The result, I'm coming to witness over time, is that I'm ending up being something of a rescuer-- one with few material resources, some kind words and insight, but stretched to the limit with how much time and energy I have to dole out. I don't mind having some connections or relationships like this-- people have hard lives, face crisis, need emotional support and new ideas and I'm happy to offer what I can.

However-! I need a mutually supportive relationship. Where giving and taking is more equally shared or traded back and forth as we meander our way through life. Apparently, I'm not appealing enough, attractive enough, interesting enough or SOMETHING enough to persuade anyone else that the investment would be worth it. At least that's how it appears to me at this time.

My dilemma is how to handle the deep sadness that results from this. Do I continue to struggle and strive for better someday with someone? Or do I just accept this as my fate and settle into an existence of unmet longings? I go back and forth-- but over time, I'm giving up.

I just don't know how to give up without the sadness hanging on. I either need to learn to accept and not be sad about it, or make a friend who is more at my level of personal development. Until one or the other happens, I'm just going to be in a funk, apparently-- a years long funk.

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Triumph Despite Sociopaths & Minions, Pt. 1 of 3

2014-03-21T00:43:43Z

At last! The final set of posts for this series!

We know there are assholes. We know most people will choose to follow the assholes, or at least turn away when assholes play. So what are the rest of us to do? For too long, we've been struggling to get by knowing the odds are against us when it comes to assholes and their slack-jawed followers and the supposedly neutral "see-no-evil" types who still take the asshole's side by refusing to take sides.

Once again, some great advice from Phil McGraw and his book, Life Code: The New Rules For Winning In the Real World. The listed items are his entirely, maybe a little tweaked, but explanation and commentary is mine. I had to look outside my own life experience for some clues, I admit it-- I have too often been entirely flummoxed. So I'm hoping to start with this list, see how it works, and maybe a few years from now revisit and revise if needed. I'm not sure how well this will work, but I'm willing to take it under advisement and see if it does me any good.

McGraw calls this list "the Sweet 16"-- but I'll call it...

A Good Person's Guide To A Bad Person's World

(Because we all know who has been winning right? Not us, that's for sure.)

1. Keep things “close to the vest.” Learn to cultivate a little mystery for yourself.

As we learned in a previous post, one problem in the sociopath-victim dynamic is that sociopaths and many minions are out actively looking for our vulnerabilities. Good people don't often keep a lot of secrets because we don't feel we have a lot to hide, but assholes are looking for all sorts of things to exploit. These days, its harder than ever to be discreet, but apparently well worth some effort.

You'll notice that this is taking a play directly out of the bad guy's playbook and using it for self-defense against the bad guys. This isn't just about raw facts, but about admitting to what really bothers us and where our vulnerabilities lay. Giving away too much too early makes things too easy for the bad guys to nail us later-- and not in the fun way.

Most trustworthy people are too trusting themselves, assuming that trust is a given until one proves they don't deserve it. Instead, we need to assume that ANY new person we're dealing with should not be trusted until they've proven they've earned our trust.

Read that last sentence again carefully. Mind-blowing, right!? How could we all have missed this one? But we did, didn't we?

A little mystery just means being courteous without spilling your life story after knowing someone for 2 days. Empaths LOVE to connect to people, and we LOVE to share who we are and compare notes about life with others. This is a wonderful gift that we need to offer to people further down the timeline, and probably in bits and pieces, rather than all at once. Sociopaths aren't very patient (see: Impulse control issues) and will be unlikely to hide their true character for long. We must WAIT until we know a person a little before sharing. Our more Mysterious selves are likely to be embraced over our Too Much Information selves anyway!

* THIS I should have branded backwards on my forehead so I wake up to the reminder every day when I look in the mirror!

2. Have (and reveal) a defined image of your character.

So we know we need to play it close to the chest, at least to start, and not give away our personal details quite so quickly-- but how do we fill that social gap?

One mistake most good people tend to make is that we assume, rather incorrectly, that because we give other people the benefit of the doubt and try to play fair-- that others will do the same for us. That's projection in a more positive light, basically. Unfortunately, since the majority of the human race is NOT good (or evil) we're actually leaving too much room for misinterpretation.

The solution to that is-- in a nutshell, and as squicky as it seems-- to subtly advertise what kind of a person we are. Good people who try are too modest, while assholes and sociopaths brag away. As pathetic as it seems, advertising works, and people believe what they hear repeatedly. We assume we shouldn't have to tell people that we're decent, but guess what? WRONG. This isn't just about beliefs that are subjective, its about what kind of person we are and who knows about it.

Other people besides us have had to learn to play the game of life defensively. They're looking to know who to count on and who to keep an eye on-- and if they can have a better idea of our worth as someone who is not going to cheat or bully others, we may have another potential supporter of our own. People believe a sociopath's lies because they want to believe them. Maybe its time we give them a truth they want to believe a little sooner than TOO DAMN LATE.

I think another reason its important to have a well defined 'image' of our character is for ourselves. We need to tell ourselves, and reaffirm to ourselves, that- damn it- we are honest, hard-working, fair-minded people who believe in reasonable treatment and freedom for everyone and will stand against anything that threatens that. Too often people like us are put down and told that doing the right thing is too scary, too embarrassing, and too much for us for handle. Reminding ourselves that- damn it- we're not going to be talked out of being better people is good self-affirmation for a world that doesn't tend to support us except in self-congratulatory theory.

3. Allow others to perceive your uniqueness, and refuse to undervalue yourself.

Another way to fill that social gap when it comes to being polite, discreet, and yet keeping a defined image of our character is to refuse to hide our best qualities. Personal information can stay under wraps for better times and better people, but there is no reason to hide our sense of humor, our can-do attitude, our cleverness, our sweet disposition, or our joy in life! This is all about revealing our genuine strengths by demonstration, rather than our vulnerabilities by report.

Once more we see how modesty, especially artificially sanctioned false modesty, can really do damage to our place in the world. I don't think this is about bragging about accomplishments or traits so much as it is about allowing ourselves and who we are to come forth. Don't talk about your joy-- show it. A person can brag about how wonderful they are (and sociopaths do!) but that will NEVER have the impact of showing that you actually possess those unique traits that make you a valuable and special person.

If you have a talent, enjoy it and share it with others --maybe teach some skills or find others of like-mind to collaborate with. If you have a passion, follow it. Too often, we assume that others won't appreciate what we bring to the world, or are worried that we'll make others feel bad or envious, and so we hide those very things that make us interesting and cool to know. Our quirks and passions are a part of our existence that no sociopath could ever bring to the world-- and when we share them, we give others a chance to know us better, and thwart the sociopaths just a little by default.

I know so many empathic artists, dancers, writers, musicians, chefs, interior decorators and singers who may not ply their passions professionally, but nonetheless have fabulous contributions to make through their hobbies. Modesty and shyness ensures the rest of the world misses their gifts. This is one area where pretenders and fakirs just can't cut it. I truly believe one reason we get targeted is because the assholes know that other people might well be intrigued and appreciative of what we can bring to them and the world as friends, peers, and citizens. If we share our creative, passionate, and unique selves, we've already cut into those nefarious plans before they can prevent that from happening!

We've been fooled for too long into believing that if we don't make money at it or win contests with it our passions and talents just don't matter. By undervaluing ourselves, we allow others to undervalue us. Why make it easy for them? Seize our joy in life and our unique way of being in the world, and we bring value to others and create another incentive for people to understand who we are and perhaps hesitate in undervaluing us themselves. Hiding modestly to prevent attack is exactly the opposite of what we should be doing. Bring it OUT and PROUD and attack becomes much more difficult. You may attract the attention of the envious, but you attract far more supporters who will back you. If you're already daring to be YOU, you're already ahead of those who wanted to prevent that from taking place.

* This is a piece of advice I can vouch for because I've played it both ways and for sure hiding not only didn't protect me, it curtailed my very reasons for living. Nothing feels better than being yourself completely. It may take practice and getting used to-- but its well worth the effort.

4. Learn to claim and accept praise, and acknowledge it in a gracious way.

This took a while for me to master, because I grew up in a home of ceaseless criticism. I rarely heard praise, and so never learned how to react to it. Eventually, I realized that denying another person's praise of me was cruel to both them and myself. It didn't help growing up with a con man who only and always lied when he flattered others to manipulate them. But there is a difference between flattery and praise-- a big one.

People don't go out of their way to praise others too often, so we should always pay attention. Regardless of how its given, we need to accept it graciously. If the intent was to control us, we'll know because its too effusive or not accurate or coming from a known or suspected liar. If we know our own value, we'll know when others are genuinely in admiration and we'll be able to accept a compliment properly and even enjoy it a little.

Though many of us may have been trained to undervalue ourselves (especially women) and to believe little in our own worth, shrugging off a compliment will do us no good. All it takes is a sincere thank you and a smile. Is that so hard? Okay-- maybe to start, but its a little habit well worth improving.

* Also from experience, I can say that denying others' praise means they'll eventually give up supporting you. Sincere praise is an acknowledgment that someone believes in you at least a little. Never spit on that!

5. Always keep an open and investigative mind. Seek to know rather than to assume, and deal only with the truth.

Once more we peer into the asshole playbook for tips to use for good rather than evil!

Its all about not giving away trust that should be earned. And its about not being so certain about people that we stop paying attention. Keeping an open and investigative mind means not assuming people are either good or bad, but rather quieting our projections and letting ourselves observe and take notes.

Good people tend to believe the best of others because they want to believe it. How is this better than bad people believing the worst of others because they want to? Both are totally screwed because they're putting their expectations OVER reality!

What we need to do is stop believing anything about anyone!! We rather need to start looking for, acknowledging, and dealing with the truth of what we find. No more wishing people to be better or worse than what they are and making decisions based upon either overly optimistic or pessimistic viewpoints. We need to assume we know nothing and that any given person we meet could be good, bad, or somewhere in between. Then we need to watch, listen, and evaluate. As we've seen in previous posts, sociopaths and their minions give themselves away before too long. The signs will pop up and we'll know where we stand.

* This is another one I really, REALLY need to work on. I have denied negative signs from people I WANTED to like before and always to my own detriment. One thing I learned was that my own intuition tends to be ahead of my rational mind in this. I tend to instinctively not like people who are too negative. My mistake comes when that makes me feel guilty and I talk myself out of my own bad feelings. What I should do instead is note: "Hey, I'm not liking this person. There is often a reason for that. I shall pay close attention and see where this is coming from."

An excellent example-- the ONE person at my last job I never liked, a co-worker, stumped me because I couldn't figure out why I didn't like her. She was a little lazy and self-pitying, but nothing that stood out in any way. It was years before I discovered she was basically spying on the employees for her mother, who was on the corporate board of the company! I don't know what my intuition picked up on-- but it was on the money from day one while the rest of me was scratching her head!

More to come in next 2 posts! This is running long as it is!

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