Jun. 15th, 2015

tranquilityseekers: stone head (strength)
[Original post Jan. 2006]

I've been fatiguing a little lately, and thus oversleeping, which is leading to vivid daytime dreams-- or nightmares... ummm, daymares. This afternoon I had two of those. Both were that kind of monster/elimination type scenarios where people die one by one by one at the hands of either some horrific seriel killer or monster.

But first I had a very interesting little dream. In the dream, I was looking in the mirror, and as I talked or sang or made faces, my reflection made them back out of sync-- often obviously mocking me, and I think trying to even scare me. I realized within the dream, since I was very lucid, that this was a Shadow self. I thought for a second, and then said, "Hey, I know I take over a lot of these dreams and talk too much, so I'm going to shut up and watch and let you speak. I promise to pay attention and listen to you." My reflecting Shadow got quiet and stopping mocking, suddenly transforming before my eyes into it's true self-- me as a frustrated child. And then the nightmares began. Apparently, my child self has some not-very-nice-things to say! I did awaken for a few minutes before dreaming again, so I was able to quickly take note of the unusual dream.

In the first daymare, I was a teenager hiking through woods along trails on a gray day with very still air. When my hike was complete, I went back to this information/nature book store. Lisa was there, also browsing books. She and I ordered mildly alcoholic fruity drinks and pretended not to be too obvious about avoiding one another. While there, I overheard customers discussing a rumor about some serial killer going nuts back in the city. I managed to get home from there to a tiny house based on the Star Motel (for the not-quite-but-almost homeless) place I lived in for a year as a 15 year old. It was one of those rundown, seedy, highway "motels" where ex-cons and druggies proliferate, paying rent by the week. It was backed on one side with a fire station, and on the other side and back with undeveloped land and scrub forest that used to be farms. That's the true part. The name's even real because it's been torn down for over 10 years. Anyway-- I was back to living there in the dream, and a mysterious serial killer was on the loose, apparently killing children.

I tried to prevent kids from being killed, while my father was just being a jerk and Mumsie and Erica hid in the trashy cottage. Despite my efforts, all the kids were getting clobbered in the shadows of the forest, despite the day being summery, hot, bright, and sunny. (In fact, this is one of those common dream places I go to a lot.) My father was the only other person I could see that was hanging out in the woods besides myself. I knew I wasn't the bad guy, and I didn't quite believe my father (a.k.a. "the Bull") was the guy, but he wouldn't go away or go inside. I kept warning kids or trying to warn them, and would see them playing, and then later hiding in terror from this threat, but then I kept finding their bodies. I DID manage to find one little toddler-- a sweet, little girl I adored on sight. I grabbed her up and held onto her. She was too small and a little crazy because she had seen the killer, but managed to get away. My father tried to get me to send her home or get rid of her (otherwise, in his reasoning, the child killer would kill ME too, just for being in the way) but I refused. I somehow knew that once the last child died, the killer would target me next as the next youngest (a teenager in an adult household.) The last scene of the dream I caught my father going into a thicket where a kid was hiding, followed by sounds of struggle and death-- I knew then my father was the evil serial killer, and I ran taking my little girl with me (named "Kiki" by the way!) away from the motel, never to return. This dream was so CREEPY and eerie, as well as bloody and scary, that once more I awoke and thought about it before settling in to sleep again.

But Freckles (as I'm calling the mocking Shadow who revealed her true self to me in the mirror) wasn't finished talking and showing me things. She repeated the basic scenario-- only updated it for my life now. The first dream was very obviously about my father, The Bull, killing off my childhood piece by piece, and doing it purposefully and methodically, destroying everything precious-- innocence, carefree play, joy, unrestrained laughter, pride in a job well done, imagination, and so on. I still managed to save a part of it by realizing what my father was doing, and thus working against him to prevent his complete success.

In Daymare #2, I was in a mountain town, a tourist trap sort of a place where the downtown was actually bustling and busy all the time because there was nothing else to do (and no Walmart!) The dream began at sunset, also on a beautiful sunny day. Gerick was with me the entire time. He and I were walking home after watching an afternoon movie at one of 2 small movie theaters (pretty full with veiwers, mind you.) Things were starting to feel eerie and Twilight-Zonish, though. I forgot and left a purse and mirror (!!) at the theater, so we had to go back for them. The owner was a cool old coot, but he could get persnickity about the dumbest things, and Gerick had a mild argument about some issue-- so I went on ahead. By now, it was just past twilight and dark, and to get to our home I had to go down a lonesome rural dirt road. I was shocked to find a very large-- either it was a bear or a giant werewolf. Bear was more likely, but it looked more like a werewolf to me (this is what I actually thought to myself in the dream.) It stared at me, and I stared back and made sure to back away, rather than turn tail and run like prey.

I knew we were in trouble then. By the time I got back to explain to Gerick, the Werewolf/Bear was behind me and so I realized this was now a "Monster" scenario. I tried to save the old couple who ran the theater, but they were asleep and there was no time. Another man who saw the Werebear (so it came to seem to be) ran with us to an unlocked, empty house. The Werebear was killing as it went, but pursuing what it saw moving and making sounds, so we kept drawing attention to ourselves at the same time we were trying to evade death. It was frustrating. The guy we were with wouldn't stop making too much noise, and I purposely found a way to ditch him downstairs just as the Werebear entered, knowing it meant the end of the guy and relieved his death would buy US more time.

However, the whole time of this dream Gerick was also babbling and going on and on about shit and it was annoying the hell out of me. It was bad enough in normal life, but now he couldn't shut up to save that very life? I was quickly growing impatient. I blocked some doors to the big bedroom upstairs, barricading ourselves in to buy time, and rummaged through the closet of the people who lived there to find cold weather clothes to get out of the house and on to safety-- by leaving through an upstairs window to the porch roof and then down to the now snowy ground. The plan was in place and I was trying to whisper it to Gerick, but he wasn't listening too well-- still going on and on about the guy and the Werebear and probably drawing the attention of the monster. I began to ignore him and just start preparing myself, because I had decided to just ditch him like we had the last guy. I wasn't going to let myself DIE because my husband was too stupid to just SHUT THE HELL UP. If he didn't want to listen, I wasn't going to commit suicide by struggling to communicate. Fuck him! And there I woke up-- feeling very freaky and unsafe.

Once more we have a Killer of some aspect of my life. In the first dream, it was my father killing off my childhood selves. All except a little girl, Kiki, who represents the ability to love with sweet, open affection. In the second dream, some strange supernatural totem-like animal silently stalks all these aspects who babble needlessly and self-centeredly. Though in this case, I was allowing them to be killed in order to survive myself. (Also a tiny message there about how Gerick's babbling bothers me because of the frustration of never feeling listened to and respected.) There is the message in there somewhere.

I don't think the Werebear represented a specific person because I get Serial Killer dreams for that. I can also surmise that the relationship between the Babblers and the children is that people who babble in a self-centered manner are very childish, and killing them off is a little like ending that part of you that bores others by talking about you-- you-- you. (Or rather, me-- me-- me-- , and I confess this is a sin I am guilty of...) The difference is that some holy, powerful Totem animal, as if from the Spirit World, is the one responsible for cutting down my Babbling Egoists selves. It's forcing me (in the dream, at least) to realize that such behavior is working against myself. Is the message that one of my surviving Child Selves (Freckles, the Brat) protesting that to her this feels like I'm letting parts of myself die again? Is that what she's saying? [I've had the Serial Killer dream with the kids and my father before many times, but I don't know that I've actually paid it attention before to the point of thinking about it and writing about it.]

I do have issues about frustration with others who babble as well as fears about being regarded as such myself, for I used to be just terrible about talking on and on and on about things in my life. Little by little, I was shamed out of it by people, who, either rudely or gently, pointed out that I was "bogarting" the conversation. Nowadays, I have much higher tolerance for this sort of thing from others who do it (IF they are at all intelligent or creative) but strive not to be too guilty of it myself, to the point that now I come across too much as the opposite, someone who doesn't talk enough. (Just can't win for losing.)

Along these lines, a HUGE point of contention in my marriage, on the "petty shit that shouldn't matter but does" front, is my annoyance at Gerick's babbling and not listening to me-- or if he listens, it's half-heartedly with a great deal of interruptions and re-turning the conversation to revolve around him at least 95% of the time. In the dream, I had this scenario pop up where I had actually made the decision to let him die if he was going to be such a jerk. There I was, able to SAVE HIS LIFE and he still couldn't stop and listen to me quietly and respectfully. It was ridiculous-- but I often feel that way about people.


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