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Some of my Rays are assholes and some of my Shadows are shitheads, too. What happens when they live as neighbors metaphorically? (As they obviously are-- sharing my head and all...)
This morning I dreamt I was a teenager, and I was going through some of those teenage life scripted programs. My family (of Shadows) had just moved into a new, respectable, 2-story house in an upper-middle-class neighborhood. We Shadows were taking our time getting moved in, naturally-- and mucking things up in the process. It was early spring, yet our yard looked as barren and brown as if winter still held full sway. The house was mostly empty, with a few boxes and pieces of furniture strewn around. My sister was wandering around contentedly and uselessly. My mother and father were hanging out watching some TV or whatever. And I was drinking alcohol with my heavy metal hair-band (from the 80s, this was a 'teen issues' shadow family) male friend, and listening to some rock really loud and bullshitting about whatever.
I was the primary one moving in and doing all the work, but I had reached the point where I felt some relaxation was called for. Earlier in the day, I had even started to clear out the yard, accidentally (but through carelessness) throwing root balls of weeds into my next door neighbor's yard. I hadn't been caught, and had yet to meet these perfectly groomed neighbors of mine, but from the pristine state of their yard I was convinced they wouldn't like having my trashy family as neighbors. Later on, I was proven right when I met the male half of the couple who lived there-- the guy was pissed off at finding yard debris (obviously ours) thrown over. I denied knowing about it, and said I would ask around and then made a hasty exit. The guy was a jerk, and I knew I was being a "bad kid."
Later, I came across a dead plant in the hallway. It was a nice day and the doors and windows were open, and there was no sign of the jerk. Just thinking of him made me feel rebellious and naughty in response, and I chucked the root ball right over into his yard again. I turned away and then startled as I heard him SCREAM at me, "Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing?" I jumped and turned to see I had hit part of his fence and part of him as well, and deep embarrassment at getting caught, as well as shame for my low-class behavior, filled my being. I apologized abjectly, because no excuse was good enough after doing something like THAT. So he and I went back and forth a bit, I saying that our yard was just a mess and I admitted to being frustrated with how much had to be done and my family wouldn't help me. Again, I apologized for taking it out on HIM, and he backed off from being a total asshole to saying that it was no big deal because his wife was going to work on the yard anyway. I said, "Um... okay..." doubtfully.
Then I went back inside and had a giant glass of sparkling wine, which my heavy metal compadre had never tried before. I found him in the living room with my mother and father. Then I saw the neighbor's wife in OUR yard and then up on OUR deck, planting these big, colorful, bushy flowers in OUR deck pots! The audacity of her presuming she could do such a thing threw me. I knew my father would blow a gasket, and for once, I was looking forward to it a little. But after complaining to hair-band guy, I went out to ask her to please stop and take her pretty posies with her...
Asshole neighbor guy comes over and he and my father go back and forth, with my mother being lazy and annoyed, and refusing to get into any dispute. The neighbor told my father that I told his wife she could come over and work on our yard, and I was outraged at how he took my earlier words and twisted them. "I THOUGHT you meant she was going to work on YOUR yard!" He screamed that our house and yard were an eyesore. I shouted back, "We JUST moved in here and haven't had time to get it done yet!" I was so offended on so many levels!
You could tell this was going to be only the start of many more confrontations to come.
INTERP: That my shitty Shadow family had moved into a lovely home in a nice Ray neighborhood (does that make my Shadows the minority that Tight-Assed Rays flee from?) was telling. Obviously, my Shadows were "upgrading" because of all the work I've been doing lately. So, that's happy news. However, having reached a certain point, I'm neglecting to continue the improvements, which is pissing my Rays off to no end. Rays like order (at least mine do) and rules and there we were just pissing away time. My viewpoint was that I was tired and needed a little break from all the self-improvement. And apparently, the pressure to live up to my Rays' standards was causing some resentment from me and hense the passive-aggressive acts of "accidentally" tossing Shadow issues debris into Ray territory. (The fence-line indicating the respective territories.) The Rays have caught on to what I'm up to, but are only too eager to "help" by invading into Shadow territory in turn. Which pisses off the Shadows... etc.
AI- YI- YI! *rolling eyes*
Looking at it, I can see why my subconscious Self is feeling a little under the gun by the Rays. Dealing with Shadow issues takes some real work and time to take on all the many detailed sub-issues along the way. It's exhausting in the spiritual sense. I was fully intending on cleaning and organizing the house, and turning the barren yard into a showcase of a garden, but in MY way and time. The lack of patience from the Rays was aggravating. They wanted everything perfect NOW, and that just pissed me off.
A thought occurs: Just WHO is in charge here? Doing dream work with my Shadows & Rays is illustrating rather powerfully just how much of my behavior is "auto-pilot" reactions stemming from my past. There's so much shit going on up in this twisted head of mine that I'm generally just unaware of-- it can be daunting to confront. And I'm freaking out both sides by doing all this deep level work-- so apparently I AM making real changes in myself. Man... this is ending up being harder than I thought it would be.
