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This is a continuation of my writing series on emotional self-defense for everyone. Check out previous recent entries for more! =^)
The article (cited in last week's post, see link there) continues, bold emphasis mine to highlight discussion below:
"SEE THE EMPEROR'S NEW CLOTHES
To deal with sociopaths effectively, you first need to open your eyes. In The Emperor's New Clothes by Hans Christian Anderson, two weavers promise the emperor a new suit of clothes that is invisible to those who are stupid and unfit for their positions.
When the emperor parades before his subjects, all the adults, not wishing to be seen in a negative light, pretend they can see the clothes. The only truthful person is a child who cries "But he isn't wearing any clothes!".
You, too, need to see sociopaths as they really are. We are conditioned to keep quiet, which often means turning a blind eye to or putting up with abuse.
The boy in the tale represents those who see the problem behavior for what it is and find the courage of their convictions to make a stand. Sight becomes insight, which turns into action. Awareness is the first step in limiting the negative effects of contact with a sociopath.
INTERACTIONS OF THE SOCIOPATH
Let's look at what we term the Socio-Empath-Apath Triad, or Seat. Unremitting abuse of other people is an activity of the sociopath that stands out. To win their games, sociopaths enlist the help of hangers-on: apaths.
The Apath.
We call those who collude in the sport of the sociopath apathetic, or apaths. In this situation, it means a lack of concern or being indifferent to the targeted person.
We have highlighted the importance of seeing the problem for what it is via the tale of the Emperor's New Clothes, which represents the collective denial and double standards which are often a feature of social life. The apath in this context is someone who is willing to be blind: ie, not to see that the emperor/empress is naked.
Apaths are an integral part of the sociopath's arsenal and contribute to sociopathic abuse. Sociopaths have an uncanny knack of knowing who will assist them in bringing down the person they are targeting. It is not necessarily easy to identify an apath; in other circumstances, an apath can show ample empathy and concern for others - just not in this case. The one attribute an apath must have is a link to the target.
How apaths, who might otherwise be fair-minded people, become involved in such destructive business is not hard to understand, but it can be hard to accept. The main qualifying attribute is poor judgment resulting from lack of insight. They might be jealous of or angry at the target, and thus have something to gain from the evolving situation.
At other times, the apath might not want to see the 'bad' in someone, particularly if the sociopath is useful. Or they might choose not to see because they have enough on their plate and do not possess the wherewithal or moral courage to help the targeted person at that time. Usually, be it active or passive involvement, the apath's conscience appears to fall asleep. It is this scenario that causes people blindly to follow leaders motivated only by self-interest.
Readers might know of Yale University professor Stanley Milgram's experiments to test the human propensity to obey orders, as participants gave increasingly large electric shocks to subjects. Afterwards, he wrote an article, The Perils of Obedience: "Ordinary people, simply doing their jobs and without any particular hostility on their part, can become agents in a terrible destructive process".
Apaths are often fearful people. They are the ones most likely to go with the flow, to agree that the emperor/empress is wearing new clothes. They might also fail to perceive the threat: a danger is of no importance if you deny its existence.
An apath's response to a sociopath's call to arms can then result from a state of 'learned helplessness'. Apaths behave defenselessly because they want to avoid unpleasant or harmful circumstances [including the sociopath turning on them]. Apathy is an avoidance strategy.
The Empath.
Often, the person targeted by the sociopath is an empath. Empaths are ordinary people who are highly perceptive and insightful and belong to the 40% of human beings who sense when something's not right, who respond to their gut instinct. In The Emperor's New Clothes, the empath is the boy who mentions the unmentionable: that there are no clothes.
In the 1990s, researchers suggested that there was a positive relationship between empathy and emotional intelligence. Since then, that term has been used interchangeably with emotional literacy.
What this means in practice is that empaths have the ability to understand their own emotions, to listen to other people and empathize with their emotions, to express emotions productively and to handle their emotions in such a way as to improve their personal power. People are often attracted to empaths because of their compassionate nature. A particular attribute is that they are sensitive to the emotional distress of others. Conversely, they have trouble comprehending a closed mind and lack of compassion in others. *
Very highly empathic people can find themselves helping others at the expense of their own needs, which can lead them to withdraw from the world at times. **
It is odd. Most of us enjoy watching films and reading books about heroes who refuse to go along with the crowd, which suggests there is something admirable about people who make a bold stand.
But in real life, watching someone raise their head above the parapet often makes the rest of us feel queasy. Most - the 60% majority - prefer the easy life. It was interesting to discover, when doing the research for this book, how often people see empaths in problematical terms.
Empaths use their ability to emphasize and to boost theirs and others' well being and safety. Problems arise for empaths, however, when there are apaths in the vicinity. Empaths can be brought down, distressed and forced into the position of the lone fighter by the inaction of more apathetic types round them. *** "
COMMENTS:
We are conditioned not to "rock the boat," to "mind our own business" and otherwise not get involved. However, because of this, a great deal of abuse goes on unchecked. I agree that being aware and alert, and refusing to keep silent is what is needed. That's always been my personal stance, mainly in rebellion and in protest to the way my own cries for help were ignored when I was a child and teen. I promised myself I would never be one of those people, and I've lived up to that promise.
It gets interesting when the article explains the Sociopath-Apath-Empath Triad-- a dynamic that gets used over and over again to up the ante of abuse into a team sport.
"Apaths" are what several of my friends who commented on the article called "minions." Those types of people who were willing to be used by someone to hurt someone else. Apaths can be very hard to identify because they're not always apathetic-- just when motivated to be so. They may have something to gain from the abuse to the target, or they might be afraid of the sociopath, or benefit from their association with the sociopath-- and so they refuse to cross them. These are the people I have often called the "lazy and cowardly majority" in previous writings. They don't often set out to harm others, because they prefer to avoid punishment- but in a group they can turn vicious, feeling more powerful and righteous the more safe they feel. They also refuse to go out of their way to HELP others, except perhaps in the easiest or most self-serving ways (to look good, or "vainglory"). They tend to be quietly selfish, even if they have a warm personality in general.
Which is what makes them dangerous. When the chips are down and you need someone at your back? They CAVE. I don't want to make excuses for them. I hate cowards who seek only to keep their comforts. Flat out HATE them! I've seen and experienced too much bullshit from these jerks who let the world down because they just don't want to deal with it, or because they get off on the drama and feeling like they're on the "winning" side. I definitely see how the majority of people fall into this category, and its one reason I have developed such a cynicism towards most people. I've learned the hard way how easily people turn into minions!
I shall never be a minion. Not if I can help it!
I've come close a couple of times. Fooled, at least short-term, by sociopaths like Mona for instance, who tried to turn me against members of her family who were irritating her for one reason or another. However, I asked questions and directly spoke to the people she targeted and heard out their side of the story before choosing a side. That made all the difference. Once I realized there was a good chance Mona was lying (this was before I realized fully what a fucking cunt she was) I stopped even listening to Mona's campaigns against others. That's all it took-- asking questions!
Funny how few people actually take the tiny step of getting the OTHER SIDE'S perspective before jumping to conclusions. But like the article says, its often because there's a selfish reason behind it. They may have an issue with the targeted individual where the sociopath gets to do all the dirty work so they feel as if their hands are clean. They may enjoy a false sense of being protected by the sociopath, and refuse to confront their protector. They may just not want to deal with all the DRAMA! (That's a great excuse I've heard from one former friend, who-- in her quest to justify herself-- decided that people who get targeted must deserve it by getting off on drama. There! Problem solved! Now she can get back to concentrating on the positive! La la la!)
And I've said it before-- it does seem as if I get targeted more often than most. Some of it may be proximity in some cases, but seriously-- there is an issue with this. I've lamented and raged by turns trying to understand why, WHY!?!?!
Here now perhaps we have our answer at last:
Empaths.
Note the paragraph with the single * at the end. Empaths, according to this article, are "highly perceptive and insightful...who sense when something is not right, who respond to their gut instinct... they have the ability to understand their own emotions...to listen and empathize with others... to express their emotions productively... to handle emotions in such a way as to improve their personal power... compassionate to the distress of others... yet conversely have difficulty comprehending closed minds and lack of compassion in others."
OH MY GODS!! Ding-ding-ding-ding!! This is so me! My writing over the years of blogging are proof enough of that (and several of my flisters would qualify as well beyond any doubt.)
** We empaths are also willing and likely to reach out to help others in distress. But we can do this to the point of burn out. Again-- witness what I did for "Rose" and how I needed a lot of alone time during and afterwards for a while. Others fear putting too much effort and energy in because of what suffering they may bring on themselves. But I think for people like me, suffering personally is nothing next to the satisfaction of helping others in genuine need. We withdraw until we're able to deal again-- but that's a small price to pay compared to the guilt and self-censure we'd undergo if we dared to turn away. When an effort to help succeeds (like getting Rose away from her abuser and supporting her during therapy) the relief is great. Not for myself, but for the person I helped. I like knowing the bad guys lost for once.
The last 3 paragraphs are among the most powerful for me in the article. We SAY we admire good people. Our heroes and stories are all about the fight of good versus evil and the greatness of those who stand up for what is right, who defend the weak, who pursue justice. Yet it turns out most people are complete hypocrites, because when it comes down to it-- they can't withstand the rigors of the Hero's or Heroine's Quest: To do the right thing. Most are too weak, too selfish, too lazy. I'm sure most like to think they're special and worthy, yet fail this real life test time and again. To me, THIS quality is the most important aspect of humanity to measure for status. I admire as above me only those who take up the Quest to do right in a compassionate manner and love other (worthy) people and the world we live in. Needless to say, its rare for me to be in awe of anyone. Dark, but true.
While an empath's motivations are to "boost the well-being and safety of both themselves AND others" -- the vast majority of apaths aren't exactly helping matters. They're too easily turned into minions who assist in bringing down the Hero or Heroine. They advise the good person, the empath, to GIVE UP, to GIVE IN, to stop being so damned DRAMATIC.
And this: " Empaths can be brought down, distressed and forced into the position of the lone fighter by the inaction of more apathetic types round them."
YES YES and I say YES again!!
Again, so much of the melodrama and bullshit I've written about and put up with over the years are exactly my extreme personal distress when yet another person reveals themselves to be an apath. When a person I thought was my friend or a family member disappoints me by insisting I relent my ideals and surrender to the sociopath who is currently circling either me or someone I care about-- I freak out. If I push others around me on any level, I push them to be Heroes and Heroines. I advocate others standing up for themselves or others to live a better life, to deny abusers their prey, to lessen the impact of dark trials in life... When I realize that yet another person has chosen "the middle path" of going along to get along, no matter the cost, I am beside myself with anguish.
Looking back, I realize one reason I became so enraged at "K," back when I asked her for short-term emergency help and she denied me, was because at that moment I realized she was not a Heroine or Empath, but an Apath. I had suspected it before, from her telling me how she told a very ill friend (who had the AIDS virus) to "stop feeling sorry for himself." She also called a couple of very interesting, deep, sensitive people I liked "too high maintenance." Yet I wanted to think I was wrong and she just had a few callous moments. When a true test came up -- she utterly failed me. There were other issues going on of course, but the breathtaking selfishness of refusing me a few hours in a safe place when I really needed it was so shocking to me I reacted very powerfully.
My own deep issues with minions or apaths--- goes very far. I have serious baggage because my mother is one of those people. Her indifference and incredible selfishness caused me so much agony over the years. Being forced to equate someone I loved so much as a friend with someone like my mother made me lose my shit. It was an accident that she read my rant right after I posted it-- I would have handled things far more diplomatically had I not "outed" my anger to her. But that moment was the official end of the friendship. I won't ally myself to apaths. They're too dangerous to keep around if you have a choice about it.
Its true I'm a stubborn idealist. But I LIKE that about myself and am unwilling to give it up despite the pressure. And I've been pressured by so many people, including my husband, to not get involved, to not embarrass myself, to not draw attention. Who cares about THAT!? Well, obviously, MOST people. But not me. Never me.
Last bit of article and commentary on it next week.
The article (cited in last week's post, see link there) continues, bold emphasis mine to highlight discussion below:
"SEE THE EMPEROR'S NEW CLOTHES
To deal with sociopaths effectively, you first need to open your eyes. In The Emperor's New Clothes by Hans Christian Anderson, two weavers promise the emperor a new suit of clothes that is invisible to those who are stupid and unfit for their positions.
When the emperor parades before his subjects, all the adults, not wishing to be seen in a negative light, pretend they can see the clothes. The only truthful person is a child who cries "But he isn't wearing any clothes!".
You, too, need to see sociopaths as they really are. We are conditioned to keep quiet, which often means turning a blind eye to or putting up with abuse.
The boy in the tale represents those who see the problem behavior for what it is and find the courage of their convictions to make a stand. Sight becomes insight, which turns into action. Awareness is the first step in limiting the negative effects of contact with a sociopath.
INTERACTIONS OF THE SOCIOPATH
Let's look at what we term the Socio-Empath-Apath Triad, or Seat. Unremitting abuse of other people is an activity of the sociopath that stands out. To win their games, sociopaths enlist the help of hangers-on: apaths.
The Apath.
We call those who collude in the sport of the sociopath apathetic, or apaths. In this situation, it means a lack of concern or being indifferent to the targeted person.
We have highlighted the importance of seeing the problem for what it is via the tale of the Emperor's New Clothes, which represents the collective denial and double standards which are often a feature of social life. The apath in this context is someone who is willing to be blind: ie, not to see that the emperor/empress is naked.
Apaths are an integral part of the sociopath's arsenal and contribute to sociopathic abuse. Sociopaths have an uncanny knack of knowing who will assist them in bringing down the person they are targeting. It is not necessarily easy to identify an apath; in other circumstances, an apath can show ample empathy and concern for others - just not in this case. The one attribute an apath must have is a link to the target.
How apaths, who might otherwise be fair-minded people, become involved in such destructive business is not hard to understand, but it can be hard to accept. The main qualifying attribute is poor judgment resulting from lack of insight. They might be jealous of or angry at the target, and thus have something to gain from the evolving situation.
At other times, the apath might not want to see the 'bad' in someone, particularly if the sociopath is useful. Or they might choose not to see because they have enough on their plate and do not possess the wherewithal or moral courage to help the targeted person at that time. Usually, be it active or passive involvement, the apath's conscience appears to fall asleep. It is this scenario that causes people blindly to follow leaders motivated only by self-interest.
Readers might know of Yale University professor Stanley Milgram's experiments to test the human propensity to obey orders, as participants gave increasingly large electric shocks to subjects. Afterwards, he wrote an article, The Perils of Obedience: "Ordinary people, simply doing their jobs and without any particular hostility on their part, can become agents in a terrible destructive process".
Apaths are often fearful people. They are the ones most likely to go with the flow, to agree that the emperor/empress is wearing new clothes. They might also fail to perceive the threat: a danger is of no importance if you deny its existence.
An apath's response to a sociopath's call to arms can then result from a state of 'learned helplessness'. Apaths behave defenselessly because they want to avoid unpleasant or harmful circumstances [including the sociopath turning on them]. Apathy is an avoidance strategy.
Often, the person targeted by the sociopath is an empath. Empaths are ordinary people who are highly perceptive and insightful and belong to the 40% of human beings who sense when something's not right, who respond to their gut instinct. In The Emperor's New Clothes, the empath is the boy who mentions the unmentionable: that there are no clothes.
In the 1990s, researchers suggested that there was a positive relationship between empathy and emotional intelligence. Since then, that term has been used interchangeably with emotional literacy.
What this means in practice is that empaths have the ability to understand their own emotions, to listen to other people and empathize with their emotions, to express emotions productively and to handle their emotions in such a way as to improve their personal power. People are often attracted to empaths because of their compassionate nature. A particular attribute is that they are sensitive to the emotional distress of others. Conversely, they have trouble comprehending a closed mind and lack of compassion in others. *
Very highly empathic people can find themselves helping others at the expense of their own needs, which can lead them to withdraw from the world at times. **
It is odd. Most of us enjoy watching films and reading books about heroes who refuse to go along with the crowd, which suggests there is something admirable about people who make a bold stand.
But in real life, watching someone raise their head above the parapet often makes the rest of us feel queasy. Most - the 60% majority - prefer the easy life. It was interesting to discover, when doing the research for this book, how often people see empaths in problematical terms.
Empaths use their ability to emphasize and to boost theirs and others' well being and safety. Problems arise for empaths, however, when there are apaths in the vicinity. Empaths can be brought down, distressed and forced into the position of the lone fighter by the inaction of more apathetic types round them. *** "
COMMENTS:
We are conditioned not to "rock the boat," to "mind our own business" and otherwise not get involved. However, because of this, a great deal of abuse goes on unchecked. I agree that being aware and alert, and refusing to keep silent is what is needed. That's always been my personal stance, mainly in rebellion and in protest to the way my own cries for help were ignored when I was a child and teen. I promised myself I would never be one of those people, and I've lived up to that promise.
It gets interesting when the article explains the Sociopath-Apath-Empath Triad-- a dynamic that gets used over and over again to up the ante of abuse into a team sport.
"Apaths" are what several of my friends who commented on the article called "minions." Those types of people who were willing to be used by someone to hurt someone else. Apaths can be very hard to identify because they're not always apathetic-- just when motivated to be so. They may have something to gain from the abuse to the target, or they might be afraid of the sociopath, or benefit from their association with the sociopath-- and so they refuse to cross them. These are the people I have often called the "lazy and cowardly majority" in previous writings. They don't often set out to harm others, because they prefer to avoid punishment- but in a group they can turn vicious, feeling more powerful and righteous the more safe they feel. They also refuse to go out of their way to HELP others, except perhaps in the easiest or most self-serving ways (to look good, or "vainglory"). They tend to be quietly selfish, even if they have a warm personality in general.
Which is what makes them dangerous. When the chips are down and you need someone at your back? They CAVE. I don't want to make excuses for them. I hate cowards who seek only to keep their comforts. Flat out HATE them! I've seen and experienced too much bullshit from these jerks who let the world down because they just don't want to deal with it, or because they get off on the drama and feeling like they're on the "winning" side. I definitely see how the majority of people fall into this category, and its one reason I have developed such a cynicism towards most people. I've learned the hard way how easily people turn into minions!
I shall never be a minion. Not if I can help it!
I've come close a couple of times. Fooled, at least short-term, by sociopaths like Mona for instance, who tried to turn me against members of her family who were irritating her for one reason or another. However, I asked questions and directly spoke to the people she targeted and heard out their side of the story before choosing a side. That made all the difference. Once I realized there was a good chance Mona was lying (this was before I realized fully what a fucking cunt she was) I stopped even listening to Mona's campaigns against others. That's all it took-- asking questions!
Funny how few people actually take the tiny step of getting the OTHER SIDE'S perspective before jumping to conclusions. But like the article says, its often because there's a selfish reason behind it. They may have an issue with the targeted individual where the sociopath gets to do all the dirty work so they feel as if their hands are clean. They may enjoy a false sense of being protected by the sociopath, and refuse to confront their protector. They may just not want to deal with all the DRAMA! (That's a great excuse I've heard from one former friend, who-- in her quest to justify herself-- decided that people who get targeted must deserve it by getting off on drama. There! Problem solved! Now she can get back to concentrating on the positive! La la la!)
And I've said it before-- it does seem as if I get targeted more often than most. Some of it may be proximity in some cases, but seriously-- there is an issue with this. I've lamented and raged by turns trying to understand why, WHY!?!?!
Here now perhaps we have our answer at last:
Empaths.
Note the paragraph with the single * at the end. Empaths, according to this article, are "highly perceptive and insightful...who sense when something is not right, who respond to their gut instinct... they have the ability to understand their own emotions...to listen and empathize with others... to express their emotions productively... to handle emotions in such a way as to improve their personal power... compassionate to the distress of others... yet conversely have difficulty comprehending closed minds and lack of compassion in others."
OH MY GODS!! Ding-ding-ding-ding!! This is so me! My writing over the years of blogging are proof enough of that (and several of my flisters would qualify as well beyond any doubt.)
** We empaths are also willing and likely to reach out to help others in distress. But we can do this to the point of burn out. Again-- witness what I did for "Rose" and how I needed a lot of alone time during and afterwards for a while. Others fear putting too much effort and energy in because of what suffering they may bring on themselves. But I think for people like me, suffering personally is nothing next to the satisfaction of helping others in genuine need. We withdraw until we're able to deal again-- but that's a small price to pay compared to the guilt and self-censure we'd undergo if we dared to turn away. When an effort to help succeeds (like getting Rose away from her abuser and supporting her during therapy) the relief is great. Not for myself, but for the person I helped. I like knowing the bad guys lost for once.
The last 3 paragraphs are among the most powerful for me in the article. We SAY we admire good people. Our heroes and stories are all about the fight of good versus evil and the greatness of those who stand up for what is right, who defend the weak, who pursue justice. Yet it turns out most people are complete hypocrites, because when it comes down to it-- they can't withstand the rigors of the Hero's or Heroine's Quest: To do the right thing. Most are too weak, too selfish, too lazy. I'm sure most like to think they're special and worthy, yet fail this real life test time and again. To me, THIS quality is the most important aspect of humanity to measure for status. I admire as above me only those who take up the Quest to do right in a compassionate manner and love other (worthy) people and the world we live in. Needless to say, its rare for me to be in awe of anyone. Dark, but true.
While an empath's motivations are to "boost the well-being and safety of both themselves AND others" -- the vast majority of apaths aren't exactly helping matters. They're too easily turned into minions who assist in bringing down the Hero or Heroine. They advise the good person, the empath, to GIVE UP, to GIVE IN, to stop being so damned DRAMATIC.
And this: " Empaths can be brought down, distressed and forced into the position of the lone fighter by the inaction of more apathetic types round them."
YES YES and I say YES again!!
Again, so much of the melodrama and bullshit I've written about and put up with over the years are exactly my extreme personal distress when yet another person reveals themselves to be an apath. When a person I thought was my friend or a family member disappoints me by insisting I relent my ideals and surrender to the sociopath who is currently circling either me or someone I care about-- I freak out. If I push others around me on any level, I push them to be Heroes and Heroines. I advocate others standing up for themselves or others to live a better life, to deny abusers their prey, to lessen the impact of dark trials in life... When I realize that yet another person has chosen "the middle path" of going along to get along, no matter the cost, I am beside myself with anguish.
Looking back, I realize one reason I became so enraged at "K," back when I asked her for short-term emergency help and she denied me, was because at that moment I realized she was not a Heroine or Empath, but an Apath. I had suspected it before, from her telling me how she told a very ill friend (who had the AIDS virus) to "stop feeling sorry for himself." She also called a couple of very interesting, deep, sensitive people I liked "too high maintenance." Yet I wanted to think I was wrong and she just had a few callous moments. When a true test came up -- she utterly failed me. There were other issues going on of course, but the breathtaking selfishness of refusing me a few hours in a safe place when I really needed it was so shocking to me I reacted very powerfully.
My own deep issues with minions or apaths--- goes very far. I have serious baggage because my mother is one of those people. Her indifference and incredible selfishness caused me so much agony over the years. Being forced to equate someone I loved so much as a friend with someone like my mother made me lose my shit. It was an accident that she read my rant right after I posted it-- I would have handled things far more diplomatically had I not "outed" my anger to her. But that moment was the official end of the friendship. I won't ally myself to apaths. They're too dangerous to keep around if you have a choice about it.
Its true I'm a stubborn idealist. But I LIKE that about myself and am unwilling to give it up despite the pressure. And I've been pressured by so many people, including my husband, to not get involved, to not embarrass myself, to not draw attention. Who cares about THAT!? Well, obviously, MOST people. But not me. Never me.
Last bit of article and commentary on it next week.
